


Ghost of a Chance

by Selenay



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-06-15
Updated: 2000-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 00:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenay/pseuds/Selenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Giles dies, but can he be given a second chance? And will this make Buffy examine their relationship anew?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started this before I saw The Yoko Factor or Angel's Sanctuary (yes, this has been a slow one) but I liked the story too much to change it so here it is anyway. That means there may be vague spoilers for season 4.

As an annoying demon with dreadful clothes taste once said, there are moments in your life when everything changes. Sometimes they're small moments; sometimes they're not.

It was a beautiful, typically sunny day in Sunnydale. Willow and Buffy were sitting under a tree in a small grassy park on the college campus, studying.

"I think we should have all our classes out here," Buffy commented. "It's nice, and sunny, and the sky's pretty and the birds are singing and . . ."

"People would be so busy looking at all that they wouldn't pay any attention to the actual class part of the class," Willow finished.

"Spoil my fun," Buffy accused.

Willow sighed. "You just need to focus. We're out here to stop you failing college which means we have to study for more than two minutes at once."

The Slayer picked up her book again and glared at it. "Ok, I'm learn girl again."

"Good. Now the major causes of the First World War were? . . . Buffy? . . . Buffy!"

***

Pain.

That was all Buffy was aware of. There was pain everywhere; her hands, her feet, her head, her gut. The pain was at once fire and ice, dull and sharp. She felt as though she was exploding and the only thing keeping her together was her skin. But her skin was too tight and she wanted to crawl out of it. The pain stabbed and pulled. It was a living thing and it oozed into every cell and pore in her body. There was nothing beyond the pain. She was the pain.

Dimly she heard someone call something. A name. Buffy. Was that her? She was the pain and the pain was she.

As abruptly as it started the pain left. With the pain gone she floated in nothing. Something moved and she stared in wonder at the hand in front of her face. The hand moved and she realised that the hand was hers. She was lying on grass and sun beamed down on her face. It should have been warm but she felt nothing. Buffy. Was that her?

Something was wrong. Something that should be there was not. Floating in the void of numbness she sighed. Something was wrong. Buffy. Was that her?

Something was gone. She had to go to it. She looked down and felt faint surprise that the ground was moving beneath her. Numbness receded and she stumbled, fell. Her hands stung but she pushed herself up and ran on. Buffy. Was that her?

A door. It barely impeded her and she was kneeling on the floor, cradling his head in her lap. Something was missing. His body was there, but it was empty. He was gone.

Buffy. That was her name. Darkness came.

***

Willow and Xander watched Buffy and worried. She had been sitting on the couch, motionless and hardly even seeming alive, for hours. Willow had found her kneeling on the floor of the apartment, Giles' head in her lap, staring into the distance with tears rolling down her face. She had been crying too when she called 911 and it had seemed forever before the paramedics arrived. There had been questions and police and a black body bag. Now the apartment was empty again and Buffy seemed just as empty.

Eventually the two friends forced her to lie down and covered her with a blanket.

***

Bright sunlight shone down on the tiny crowd of mourners at the graveside. Xander and Anya held hands, even Anya understanding for once the solemnity of the moment. Willow, white faced, stared at the coffin and Tara took her hand. Cordelia and Wesley offered each other strength and for a wonder did not bicker. Riley and Joyce stood next to Buffy. She was still numb, barely speaking, and had to be reminded to do anything to take care of herself. Her eyes were full of pain and grief that did not seem to end.

***

As she had so often during the past weeks Buffy let herself into the apartment and breathed in deeply. It still smelled the same, of tea and books, and as she wandered into the kitchen she felt as though he was still with her. The pain of loss receded a bit and she could think again. When she was out there, in the world, she felt as though something was missing inside. As though part of her soul had been ripped out and nothing could replace it. Here that feeling was not as intense.

She knew something was wrong. She should not be this way. Everyone else was sad and grieving but they were able to get on with their lives. Buffy kept trying and failing. No matter what she did one question seemed to spin around her head. Why?

Why was he dead? Even the doctors did not know that. Why him? Why her?

***

Pain.

For a long time that was all Giles could feel. It was as though he was being slowly torn into tiny pieces, shattered, and then re-made. The pain became a part of him so he did not know what had been there before.

Slowly the pain diminished and faded. Abruptly it was gone and he could think again.

He knelt on his hands and knees, gasping for breath. Minutes passed before he felt strong enough to stand and look around. Surreal did not even begin to describe it.

Giles stood in what looked like a shabby doctor's waiting room. There were seats around the room, several of them occupied by sad looking people, and a low table in the middle had tatty magazines scattered across it. Looking closer he saw that they had titles such as 'The Time', 'The Guardian Angel' and 'Hell Hound and Pegasus'.

"Name," a bored voice said beside him.

He turned and saw with some bemusement a reception desk. A woman in her fifties with blue rinsed hair sat behind it. She wore a starchy cotton blouse, a navy polyester skirt and a badge that proclaimed her name to be 'Doreen'. Giles smiled wryly and walked to the desk.

"Name," the woman said, managing to sound even less interested than before.

"Rupert Giles. May I ask-"

"Take a seat," she gestured to the chairs, "you'll be seen soon."

"Where am-"

"Sit down. Everything will be explained."

Doreen went back to flicking through the magazine on the desk in front of her. Giles sighed and sat down. He took one of the magazines, hoping it would give some clue as to where he was. It was even less help than the receptionist was. The cover proudly stated that it's mission was to bring the latest news, but inside all that was written was the word 'blah' hundreds of times. He threw it down in disgust and instead observed the other people waiting with him.

All of them sat reading the useless magazines. One man, in his fifties, rubbed a hand over his face and closed the magazine, only to open it at the beginning again. Giles shivered when he briefly saw his eyes. They were black and empty.

Time passed slowly. A door that Giles had not noticed before opened and a young woman walked through. She was dressed in a smart red suit and had long, black hair but her eyes were as empty as everyone else's were. Purposefully she walked to the desk and gave her name. Doreen listlessly told her to sit down and she did, picking up one of the magazines and instantly becoming absorbed.

More time passed and Giles was surprised to find that he felt neither hungry nor tired. A low buzz sounded from the desk and he looked up.

"Graham Jones," Doreen intoned.

The man Giles presumed was Graham Jones stood. He was probably the same age as the Watcher, but his face was lined and weary, his back slumped dejectedly and his eyes were black and empty. Jones walked across the room and through a door behind the reception desk. Giles was sure it had not been there before.

As time passed more people entered the waiting room and others left. Finally Doreen called his name and he felt a shiver of excitement run through him. He opened the door and stepped through.

The office he stepped into was nothing like the waiting room outside. Looking back he could see the shabby room with its despairing occupants, but it seemed as though he was looking through frosted glass. He focussed instead on the office around him.

The first thought that occurred to him was that a wealthy lawyer would have felt quite at home here. A huge, polished mahogany desk dominated the room. The thick, plush carpet was green with tiny gold fleur-de-lis and the gold and green theme was echoed in the study lamps on the desk. Dark oak panelling covered the walls and a fire burned in the hearth behind the desk.

"Ya like it?" a voice said behind him.

Giles jumped and spun around. A short, tubby man with a balding head stood behind him with a friendly smile.

"P-pardon?" Giles queried.

"The study. Ya like it? 'Course ya do. It's how you imagined it would be." The tubby man walked around a stunned Giles and sat down behind the desk. "Take a seat. Pull up a pew. I'm not gonna break my neck to look at ya."

Giles pulled himself out of the stunned haze he was and sat down in the chair that had appeared in front of the desk as soon as the strange man mentioned it.

"Guess ya have a few questions. Can't say I blame ya. What yer seeing ain't what's really here. That would blow ya brains out. What yer seein' is the best approximation ya mind can tolerate. Go figure."

"Wh-what . . ." Giles cleared his throat and began again. "Who are you? Where am I?"

The balding man grinned. "Call me Barnabus. I'm kinda like your mentor. Where are ya? You're dead, man. Cheer up, it's not that bad."

"Of course," Giles said distractedly. Dead. That made horrifying sense.

"What ya have to decide is where you're goin' now," Barnabus continued. "Ya see, ya didn't die right. Most folks, their bodies die and then their souls leave. They either go to their reward or to the other place. Some come here though - the ones that can't be assigned for some reason. You are the ultimate in unassignable. Someone ripped out yer soul and the shock killed yer body. Ya can't go on but yer body is dead and buried."

"I'm dead," Giles clarified.

"As a dodo."

"Oh."

"Ya can't stay here. Ya have to go somewhere. Where d'ya wanna go?" Barnabus pressed.

Buffy. That was the first thing that came to Giles' mind.

"She's a hottie. Ya sure?"

"I-I-I-"

"Once ya decide that's it, so be real sure," Barnabus pressed. "I'll be here to advise ya, but I can't change yer assignment once ya take it. That's up to the Powers That Be."

"The Powers That Be?"

"You've worked for all these years without knowing who yer bosses are? Sheesh. The Watcher's Council ain't yer boss anymore than I am. They just pretend to be. Open yer eyes already."

"Oh." He seemed to be saying that a lot.

"It's a lot to take in at once, I know. But ya have to decide fast. Are ya gonna go to her or are ya gonna let her go on as she is?"

"What's happening to her?" Giles asked, suddenly worried.

"Watch."

The fire behind Barnabus suddenly flared up to become a sheet of flame and images formed in it. Giles watched Buffy walking around the college campus listlessly, more lifelessly than those people out in the waiting room. He watched as Willow and Xander tried to interest her in what was going on. Watched as Riley kissed her and she simply stood there, stiffly, almost like a mannequin. Watched as she moved around his kitchen making a cup of tea, which she took to the couch and simply stared at. But worst of all he saw all the life that had been such a part of his Slayer slowly draining out of her.

"She's dyin'. Slowly, and it'll take time, but she's dyin' as surely as if she had cancer. You two had a connection and now that yer not there she's dyin'. The way ya died ripped that connection as violently as yer soul was ripped out. That was not meant to happen. You were meant to die together and go onto yer reward. Instead you're here and she's there and yer both dyin' without each other."

For a long time there was silence as Giles thought. But in the end there was only one choice he could make.

"How do I get to her?"

Barnabus smiled delightedly, looking like a boy who had been told the fair was coming to town. "It's like this . . ."

***

Giles opened his eyes and sighed with relief to see the familiar living room of his apartment. Transferring from Barnabus' office had sounded remarkably simple, until the tubby little man told him what could happen if he lost concentration part way through. He might well be a disembodied spirit but there were still plenty of unpleasant things that could happen to him. Looking around he saw that there very little had changed while he was away. Barnabus had not told him how much time had elapsed since he died, but Giles had a feeling that it was more than the few short hours that he could remember. However the apartment did not feel empty the way it would if it had been abandoned since he died. There was no dust on the shelves and the mail was not sitting in a heap on the front mat. A pair of sandals sat by the couch and Giles remembered the vision Barnabus had shown him. That had evidently not been the first time that Buffy had come here.

Another thought occurred to Giles. If the sandals were still here their owner probably was as well. It was the middle of the night and if she was not downstairs she had to be upstairs. The only thing upstairs was his bedroom.

Filled with curiosity, and a few other emotions he did not want to examine too closely right now, Giles crept up the stairs. Half way up he began to feel a bit foolish - his legs and in fact his entire body were only a product of his mind so he could be stamping up the stairs and still make no noise.

Buffy lay on the covers of the bed. For the first time since the pain receded Giles felt deep sadness as he saw how much she had changed. The jeans and shirt she wore would have fit perfectly before, but now they hung loosely on her too-thin body. Her face was pale and drawn, there were black circles almost like bruises under her eyes and her golden hair was now tangled and lank. He knew those changes had not come about because of her grief. With their connection ripped away so brutally she was slowly dying as the life drained out of her. It was up to him to repair it.

He crossed the room and spent a while gazing down at her. "This won't happen again," he whispered. "I won't harm you again."

Barnabus had told him what to do. Giles reached down and gently brushed Buffy's cheek with his fingertips. His fingers went through her face and he felt a brief shiver. Then it felt as though something inside snapped into place, and he felt complete again.

He looked down at Buffy again. She stirred softly, muttered something and rolled over before drifting back to sleep. But he could tell that the sleep was more peaceful and restful than it had been.

Giles stood watching her for the rest of the night. As the hours crept by colour slowly returned to the sleep girl's face. The black circles slowly faded and the pinched look in her face smoothed out. By the time dawn peeked through the window Giles knew that she was recovering.

***

For a while Buffy floated in that warm place between sleep and waking. For the first time in weeks it was a nice place to be. Usually she felt as though she was trying to claw her way out of a dark pit, with hands behind her trying to pull her back into sleep. Today she felt as though warm sunshine was beckoning her on to wakefulness and she was just resting in the shade before she floated into the light.

Sharp pangs of hunger shattered the illusion and Buffy woke up. She opened her eyes and screamed.

***

Buffy recovered from her shock quickly. As the Slayer she had seen too many strange things to be frightened by seeing her dead Watcher standing in front of her. However in those brief moments of hysteria Giles had time to weigh up all the possibilities. He could simply leave, but that would probably convince Buffy she was going insane. No matter how strange it would be he could not do that to her. So instead he waited to see what she would do.

She stared at him for a long moment, her blue eyes full of confusion. "Y-you're alive?" she managed after a while.

"No, not as such," Giles replied hesitantly.

"Either you're dead or you're not. And from where I'm sitting you don't look very dead."

"I'm not alive."

"Well, what are you? Because in my experience, not many dead people stand around talking to their grieving friends. Unless they're . . . please don't be a vampire."

The stricken, pleading look on Buffy's face tore at Giles' heart so he quickly reassured her.

"I'm not a vampire," he told her, stepping closer to the bed. "My body is still safely buried. I seem to be some form of . . . uh, ghost."

"A ghost?" Buffy whispered, edging closer to him.

"I can't think of any other word for it."

Buffy reached out a shaking hand and tried to touch his arm. Her hand went straight through it and she shivered slightly.

"You're a ghost," she said slowly. "Why?"

"It's complicated."

"Well, uncomplicate it! I've spent the past three weeks thinking you're dead, and all the time you're wandering around, probably living it up with all your new ghosty friends! I've been through hell and I deserve to know why."

"Buffy, I know you're upset but this is not easy for me either."

"So tell me what happened," Buffy said, more calmly. "I need to know."

"Someone killed me."

"I got that much."

"Did you notice that there were no obvious reasons for my death? No stab wounds, no bites, nothing."

"The doctors were totally stumped. They said it was as though all your organs suddenly collapsed at once."

"They did. Someone forcibly removed my soul from my body and the shock killed me."

Buffy was silent for a while as what he was telling her sunk in. Giles just stood watching the emotions pass across her face, sadness, pain, hurt and then happiness slowly replaced the negative emotions.

"How long will you be here for?" she finally asked.

"I don't know. Barnabus didn't tell me."

"Barnabus?"

Giles smiled at her for the first time. "My mentor."

"Sort of like a Watcher for ghosts?"

"Sort of."

For the first time in weeks Buffy smiled with genuine amusement and the sight sent a burst of warm happiness through Giles as well. There was so much to explain but he did not know where to start. He walked to the window and spent a while looking out to gather his thoughts. Below him a child was playing with a dog and occasional cars sped past. It suddenly occurred to him that it was later in the day than he had thought it was. He turned back to the girl on the bed who was currently plucking at the quilt.

"Buffy, what are you doing about college?"

She shrugged. "I'm not going today."

"You shouldn't give it up because of me-"

Buffy laughed at him. "Giles, relax. There's no point in going to college when there aren't any lectures."

"Pardon?"

"You really have been gone. It's Saturday! Not even my history professor would give lectures on a Saturday."

"Oh."

"Is it ok if I take a shower?" Buffy grinned and shook her head. "This is weird. I'm asking a ghost if it's ok to use his shower." She stood and walked to the stairs. Before she descended she turned back. "I missed you."

After she left Giles whispered, "I missed you too."

***

"So no one's managed to talk to her since it happened?" Willow asked the gathered group.

She, Tara, Riley, Xander and Anya were gathered in the dorm room. After three weeks of worrying about Buffy they had decided to do something about it. She barely spoke to any of them, when she went she wandered around the college like an automaton and she had not patrolled since Giles' death. Even Joyce was sick with worry and the fact that none of Buffy's friends seemed able to get through to her only made her worry worse. The previous evening she had visited Willow to find out if she knew anything but Buffy was not talking to anyone. A certain amount of grief was expected, particularly in view of how close she had been to Giles at school, but it was as though the blonde girl was dying inside and no one could understand why.

There was a chorus of "no's" and worried looks.

"Don't people usually grieve when someone dies?" Anya asked.

"They don't normally go catatonic like this," Xander told her.

"I don't know. I saw some pretty catatonic wives during my day, and that was just when their husband was unfaithful."

"Slight difference. Buffy and Giles weren't . . . I can't even say it."

"I didn't even realise they were that close," Riley added. "They didn't seem that close."

"They used to be," Willow said. "Up until college they were like two halves of a person. Sometimes it was like they could read each other's minds."

"Yeah, it could be pretty weird sometime," Xander agreed, remembering the days they had all spent in the library.

"What happened?" Riley asked. "She barely talks about him."

"I don't know," Willow said sadly. "They were close up until a few months ago. Everything they went through only seemed to make them closer but then - phht! Suddenly she hardly wanted to be in the same room as him. She never said what it was. Although . . ."

"Although what?" Xander asked.

Willow was having a frightening thought. "A couple of days after we started college Buffy went to see him because of the students that were disappearing. The ones that were being eaten by the vampires?"

Xander nodded as he remembered the depressed Buffy he had come home to after his road trip.

"She found Giles with Olivia."

"Who's Olivia?" Riley asked curiously.

"Giles' girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend," Willow corrected herself. "Buffy was furious. She tried to make out she was just icked out, but she was furious. I mean, I thought she was mad when she found out he and her mother . . . uh, . . . well, they, uh . . ." Willow trailed off red-faced.

"Giles and Mrs Summers?" Xander asked, grimacing.

"The Band Candy incident," Willow told him.

"I'm not even going to ask," Riley commented, amazed as always at everything this group had already been through.

"Anyway," Willow continued, "after that Buffy hardly spent any time with him. She pushed him away and there was Parker and then you," she indicated Riley, "and she didn't want to know him. He was hurting, they both were, and they haven't been close all year. I think maybe she feels guilty about it now."

Anya was looking surprisingly thoughtful. "Sounds like she was in love with him and got jealous when he had sex with someone else."

"Buffy? Uh-uh," Xander shook his head.

"I was hoping no one else would think that," Willow sighed.

Xander's jaw dropped. "You suspected . . .?"

"Not until five minutes ago."

Riley had turned first white and now green. "Buffy . . . how could . . . why did . . . I don't understand."

"I don't think she knew," Willow said quietly. "I don't think she's realised now. She just knows she hurts worse than when Angel left."

"Angel. That's the guy from her past," Riley clarified.

"Uh-huh. Good old Deadboy," Xander confirmed.

Riley looked confused. "Deadboy? No, wait, I don't think I want to know."

"Sensible man," Xander advised.

"So are we going to just talk about Buffy's past lovers or are we trying to help her?" Anya asked impatiently.

"I-I don't think there's much we can do," Tara said shyly. "She needs time to work all of it out."

Willow smiled sadly. "I think Tara's right. She'll come to us eventually. We just have to be there for her when she's ready."

***

"So I really was dying," Buffy confirmed slowly.

After her shower she had made breakfast, surprised that she was starving after weeks of not wanting food. She had eaten three bowls of cereal before she was satisfied and she was already planning a shopping trip for more food. Ever since she woke up this morning she was feeling surprisingly healthy. In fact she felt better than she had for months. Sitting on Giles' couch, mug of tea in one hand and toast in the other was almost like coming home. She could not stop herself looking at him, at the face she had never thought to see again. Giles was so familiar, but at the same time it was like seeing him for the first time again. She had never noticed before how green his eyes were, or the way the flecks of brown in the green made her think of mossy woods or the way the corners of those eyes crinkled when he smiled. That smile was the most welcome sight in the world. It was slightly uneven and sometimes seemed slightly uncertain, as though he was not sure whether she would smile back, but it was beautiful. Buffy blushed slightly at that thought and turned her mind back to the conversation.

"Yes. With the connection broken your, well I suppose it was your life force, was draining out of you through it. Now that is restored you're feeling better," Giles explained.

Buffy finished her toast while she thought. "This connection. What is it?"

Giles tried to remember everything Barnabus had told him. "People who are going to be close in some way tend to develop a connection when they meet. It's a deep, almost psychic connection. Usually no one even knows it's there, they simply develop a bond and are together in some way for the rest of their lives."

"When you say together . . ."

"Not necessarily together in the, uh, together sense." Somehow even in non-corporeal form Giles managed to blush. "Many are simply friends. Like Willow and yourself. Although it is common for there to be a romance, such as with Willow and Oz or yourself and Angel."

Buffy mused on this for a moment. She had felt a strange, indescribable sorrow at Giles' words and she could not understand why. After all, she should feel relieved that he was telling her they would not have been 'together'. "So we were sort of destined to be, uh, friends even without the Slaying?"

"Without the Slaying I doubt we would have met. You live here and I lived in England."

"Wow. Destiny really had it in for us." Buffy grinned at him, trying to take away the sad look that had suddenly crossed his face.

"Indeed."

All the time they were speaking Giles had paced the room, occasionally stopping in front of her, but then resuming the restless movements. Now he stopped again, looked down and appeared startled to be standing in the middle of the coffee table.

"Giles, sit. You're making me dizzy."

He absently went to sit on the table, as had been his habit, and slowly sank through it so that only his head and shoulders showed. Buffy began to giggle, then she laughed and finally she was laughing so hard she fell onto her side on the sofa. Tears were running down her cheeks and Giles began to chuckle as he realised how absurd he must appear. He stood again but it was several minutes before either of them could look each other in the eyes without laughing.

Finally Buffy looked at him and smiled gently. "Am I able to laugh again because the connection is working now or because you're here?"

"My being here-"

"Has re-established the connection so it's a moot question," Buffy finished with a grin. "But you being here . . . it's hard to make myself believe you're dead. I mean, I know you're dead - I was at your funeral, I held your body, I felt your death. But I'm talking to you and it's like nothing happened. My head knows but my heart is in denial."

Giles' face became full of pain and guilt. "Buffy, if my being here is harming you-"

"It's not." Buffy quickly reassured him. "Being here with you, I feel better than I have in a long time. It's not just that you died. I feel like we've been apart for months and all that time has hurt. Please don't go. I can't keep losing you."

"You won't. I won't leave you again."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

The words sent shivers through Buffy and she realised that as he said them she relaxed for the first time since he had reappeared. She was still too emotionally raw to be able to examine things properly, and she knew she would have to think about it all later, but she did not want to be away from Giles again. Even if he was a ghost of some kind his presence comforted her in ways she had never understood. At school, even during the worse of it, he had been there for her and she was now slowly realising that she had missed that during the months she had been at college. She could no longer even remember why it had seemed so important to stay away. There had been a reason, she just could not remember it. All she knew now was that she wanted to be with him again.

"A-are you going to stay here?" she asked hesitantly.

"That's really up to you," he replied.

"Me?"

"I left this place to you," he told her, gesturing around the apartment. "It seemed appropriate at the time."

For a long moment Buffy was speechless. The shock slowly subsided and she managed to say, "Thank you."

"Are you staying here?" Giles asked.

Buffy coloured slightly. "Not staying in the 'having clothes and intentionally staying' respect. It's more that I find myself here and don't want to leave so I don't. I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? I was gone so I can hardly complain."

"I guess now you're back it seems sort of wrong that I camped out here. I just couldn't deal with everyone asking me how I am all the time. Mom thinks I'm crazy for being sad, Will is concerned and smothers me and everyone is trying to mother me in some way. It can be too much."

Giles paced through a chair. "I have a suggestion. You can stay here for as long as you wish and whenever I'm here I'll . . . uh, be here."

"You're going somewhere?" Buffy felt a sudden panic at the idea of losing him again.

"I'll have to see Barnabus sometimes - for training and advice. He'll be able to tell how to not fall through the furniture I hope."

Buffy giggled a little and Giles knelt down in front of her. "I'm not going anywhere if I have any choice in it."

"It's a deal," his Slayer told him.

***

The walk from Giles' apartment to her dorm room gave Buffy some much-needed time to think. Everything was so confused now. Yesterday she felt as though she was being pulled into a black pit of despair with no wish to fight her way out. Now Giles was back and she did not know what to think. Her head said she should still be mourning because he was dead, but her heart told her that she had just spent the morning talking to him so how could he be dead? And over it all was the overwhelming joy at knowing he was still with her mixed with deep sadness and confusion because he was not really there.

Buffy knew she was going to have to act as though nothing had changed in front of her friends. After all, she had been acting like a zombie for weeks so if she now said she had talked to Giles' ghost that would be a one-way ticket to a mental institution. It would be hard to act as though she was still in intense grief mode, though, when all she wanted to do was shout 'he's back!' from the top of the nearest building.

Thinking about her friends led her onto the biggest problem. Riley. Until Giles' death Riley had been all she thought about. She suffered when he suffered, she laughed when he laughed, they did not have to keep secrets from each other - he seemed perfect. Ok, she admitted to herself, he did not seem so perfect at first. But he grew on her quickly until there seemed to be nothing she could see apart from him. But in the numbness following Giles' death all that had melted away as quickly as it had begun. She no longer had that fluttery feeling in her stomach whenever he was around. In fact for the past few days she had not wanted to see him. Riley was doing his best to be there for her but she just wanted to push him away.

She sighed as she crossed a road. Life just seemed to get more confusing as she got older. A month ago it seemed desperately important to keep Giles at a distance and Riley was all she could think about. Now she could not even bear to be in the same room as the young commando and she could not wait to get back to the apartment to reassure herself Giles was still there.

Buffy stood looking up at the imposing mass that was Stevenson Hall, remembering her first days of college. She had been so excited to come here and finally be independent from Joyce. But within a few days everything had turned upside down and her life had changed again in ways she had not expected. College itself had turned out to be not much different to high school. It was everything that went with it that seemed to be different.

***

"Are we having a party?" Buffy asked as she entered her unusually crowded dorm room.

"Oh, look, it's Buffy," Willow said nervously. "Uh, guys, uh, Buffy's here. In the room. Isn't that great? Gosh, Buff, you look . . . less pale. Um, hi?"

Buffy sighed as she looked at the gathering. Willow's nervous babbling and Riley's guilty face were all she needed to tell her what was happening.

"Thanks for the concern, but I'm ok," she told them as she walked to the closet.

Xander stood up. "Buffy, you're not ok. We're your friends and we're concerned."

Buffy emerged from the closet with her weapon bag and small suitcase. "Xander, you're all stifling me. I need space to deal and I can't cope with all of you fussing around me."

Xander's hurt face immediately filled Buffy with guilt.

"I don't mean . . . I don't know what I mean. I never do at the moment. I need you guys, but I don't need you quite to be quite so . . . mothery. I'm moving in with - into Giles' for a few days." There was silence in the room. "I'll be happy to see you there whenever you want to come over."

Everyone protested, trying to convince her that this was the worst thing she could do, so in the end she walked out leaving them all staring at the door in confusion.

***

Giles stood again in Barnabus' plush office. Now he knew the trick of it he was relieved that he did not have to sit in the waiting room with all the poor souls that were waiting for assignment. Their blank eyes and hopeless expressions were more than he could cope with, particularly knowing how close he was to being one of them.

"Ya had to do it."

Barnabus' sudden appearance made Giles jump, and he spun around to face the short balding man.

"Ya couldn't leave it alone, could ya?"

"I didn't realise so much time passed," Giles tried to explain. "I thought she wouldn't be able to see me."

"'Course she'd be able to see ya!" Barnabus' voice was tinged with exasperation. "Ya have the connection. No one else will, unless they're sensitive, but *she* is the one person who would. Didn't I warn ya about the dangers of associating with mortals? For both of ya."

Giles said nothing.

"Well, I guess there's nothing ya can do now. What's done is done," Barnabus said with an aggrieved sigh. "I suppose yer gonna want guidance now, aren't ya? How to survive with mortals without making a fool of yerself. What ya can and can't do. I knew this assignment was gonna be trouble."

***

Buffy managed to juggle her suitcase and grocery bags for long enough to find her keys and open the door. But as the door opened she lost control of one of the bags of groceries and it fell scattering tins and packets with a loud crash. She carefully balanced the other bag on the desk by the door and began to pick up the groceries.

By the time she had put away all the shopping Giles had still not appeared and Buffy was starting to worry. She went upstairs to unpack her suitcase, irrationally hoping that he was hiding up there. There was no sign of him.

Beginning to panic Buffy searched though the apartment calling his name. Finally she stood in the middle of the lounge, almost in tears, and tried to decide what to.

"Giles?" she called again. "If you're hiding I'll . . . I'll . . ."

"What?" he asked from behind her.

Buffy squeaked and whirled around. "Could you not do that?" she exclaimed. "Make some noise or something before you appear."

"I'll try to remember that," Giles replied with an amused grin. "What did you want?"

Buffy flushed as she remembered how panicked she had become at his sudden disappearance. "When you weren't here I thought - do we have to discuss this? I'm going to make lunch."

Giles followed her into the kitchen. "You though I'd gone again."

"Maybe. A little," Buffy admitted reluctantly.

"I won't deny that I considered it," he began. "My being here can't be good for you."

"You being here stopped me dying," Buffy pointed out.

"But I'm preventing you moving on. You've already said that it's difficult to grieve for me when I'm standing here in front of you."

"If you feel that way then why are you here?"

"Because if I leave now I'd be breaking my promise to you."

"Promises really mean a lot to you, don't they?" Buffy asked curiously.

Giles simply nodded his head but Buffy felt as though she had been punched in the stomach. "So all those times I broke my promises . . ."

"Are in the past. It hurt at the time but I also understand that you were just doing what you felt you had to."

"I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I never meant to hurt you or anyone else, but there never seemed to be any other way. Everything always seemed to get so complicated."

"Life is complicated," Giles told her. "If it wasn't it wouldn't be real."

"I hate it when you're right," Buffy said grumpily, but she smiled at him to let him know she was all right.

His answering smile was the usual shy, slightly lopsided smile but for some reason it sent a pleasant shiver down her back. For a moment she was captivated by the warm affection in his eyes but then she shook it off and hid her face in the fridge for a minute to calm down.

"I guess you don't need food anymore," Buffy commented as she emerged with some cheese and butter.

"I don't appear to," Giles said. "I quite miss it actually. There's something remarkably comforting about eating."

They were silent as Buffy made herself a sandwich and began to eat it. Buffy was not sure what she wanted to say. "Sorry about your deadness" just did not seem tasteful. So instead she began to go through her mental list of possible suspects in his murder.

"Do you have any idea why someone would want to kill you like this?" she asked eventually.

"Pardon?"

"Well, removing your soul seems a bit elaborate. Who would want to kill you that way? Wouldn't it be easier to just stab you or shoot you?"

"The spell is probably very complicated. Only a skilled sorcerer could do it," Giles said thoughtfully.

"Ethan's a skilled a sorcerer," Buffy commented. "But this doesn't really fit his MO. Mischief, maybe killing in self-defence, but all this just to kill you? I don't see it. Plus he's safely locked up somewhere."

Giles thought for a moment. "Being locked up wouldn't really be a problem for Ethan, but you're right. He's guilty of a lot, but this isn't his style. He has never liked to expend more effort than needed to get something done."

"In other words he's a lazy coward," Buffy clarified. "Comforting. Any other suspects?"

She could see the struggle in Giles' eyes but eventually honesty won. "Have you considered the Initiative?"

Buffy winced almost imperceptibly but she knew why he was asking. "It's not their style. They're not into the mystical side of things. If they were going to kill you they'd use a gun. And they have no reason to think you're a threat. Not that you're not threatening, because you can be, it's just that you haven't really done much around them so they probably don't know that you're a . . ."

"Moderately useless former Watcher," Giles finished for her.

"You are not useless," Buffy said fiercely. "How many times would I have died during the past few years if it hadn't been for you? You've saved my life more times than I can count and knowing you would be there for me kept me going at the worst times. Knowing you'd give me that disappointed look if I died stupidly stopped me doing some pretty idiotic things. I'm sorry if I've made you feel useless lately, more sorry than you can know. You're not useless. Without you I don't know what I'd be."

"Buffy, I-"

"The Council!" she cut him off.

"If the Council wanted me dead they would have killed me when they came for Faith," Giles pointed out. "Even they aren't quite that corrupt. What would they gain from my death?"

"Me."

"Buffy you can cope without me perfectly well. The Council must know that my death wouldn't change your feelings towards them."

"The Council doesn't seem to do rational very well."

"Be that as it may, this does not strike me as their work."

"What if someone killed you to get at me?"

"It's possible," Giles allowed. "In fact it's quite probable. Adding together all the enemies we've made over the years our problem becomes one of too many suspects rather than too few."

"How many are experienced sorcerers though?"

"They don't have to be. There are plenty of unscrupulous sorcerers who will perform any spell for the right money."

"Like the one we used to make the Mayor think that Angel . . ." Buffy trailed off, amazed that that memory still had the power to hurt so deeply.

"Yes. Although, unlike many, he has some moral standards."

"So there's no way to work out who killed you."

"Not really, no."

***

Finally talking about all the things they had bottled up for so long was emotionally draining, even though they both felt better than they had for months. Buffy was more drained than she had realised. She sat down on the couch for a moment, while she decided what to do for the afternoon, and the stress and exhaustion she had been under caught up. In moments she was asleep, lying uncomfortably twisted so her feet were on the floor and her torso flat on the seat. For a while Giles stood beside her, wishing there was some way he could move her so she would not be so stiff when she woke, but his non-corporeal state made that impossible. Instead he began to practise the tricks Barnabus had shown him.

***

Buffy could feel painful stiffness down her side as she woke. She tried to sit up and gasped at the pain from her abused back.

"I thought Slayers had superpowers," she grumbled to herself. "Putting your back out from sleeping funny seems wrong . . . and painful."

Eventually she managed to stand and found that slow movement seemed to release some of the stiffness. Still rotating her shoulders and working the kinks out of her back she made her way to the kitchen for a drink. That was where she found Giles glaring at a mug on the counter and trying to grab it, although his fingers passed straight through it.

"Hi!" she said brightly. "What're you doing?"

"Trying to pick this blasted thing up," he said, still glaring at the mug.

"Oh. Can you do that?"

"Apparently not. Along with a lot of other things."

"Giles, I promise we'll find whoever did this to you and I'll help kill them."

"Thank you," Giles said, smiling down at her.

Again Buffy was caught by his warm green eyes staring down at her. Part of her brain protested that someone who could look at her with so much affection, amusement and emotion could not be dead. If he was dead his eyes should be too - dead and cold. But another part of her brain knew that he could never lack emotions in his eyes. 'Eyes are the windows to the soul'. She did not know who had said that but it was the truest thing ever said. Giles' eyes gave her a rare glimpse into his mind and heart. Without knowing why, she usually avoided looking into his eyes like this. She knew now - she was afraid to see the trust, the pain and, most of all, the love in those green eyes.

As she looked up at him Buffy wondered at the pain that lurked in his eyes and had made faint lines on brow. When she first met him he had seemed so hopeful, so excited about the possibilities of their shared destinies. Now there was pain etched on his face from the many dreadful things that had happened. At that moment Buffy would have given almost anything to be able to smooth that pain away. Without realising she was doing it her hand slowly drifted up to his face to touch the lines at the corner of his eye. For a brief moment she thought she felt warm flesh beneath her fingertips but then the sensation faded and her fingers went through his face, sending shivers down her spine.

Was it her imagination or did the pain lessen slightly? Did the love glowing from his eyes suddenly grow slightly brighter?

Buffy stepped back hurriedly and opened the fridge so she did not have to look at him. She was sure her face was burning up. How long had she been standing there, staring at him like a goon? Her face heated even more.

"Buffy, are-"

"Lasagne or pizza?" she cut him off brightly, turning to hold up the packets.

His puzzled expression made her grin slightly, but the sight of it reassured her he had not noticed anything amiss. Later she would work out what happened but for now she needed to distract Giles. A loud rumbling from her stomach informed her that the question of food needed to be solved immediately.

"Lasagne," she said aloud and began reading the instructions to block out the sight of Giles.


	2. Chapter 2

It was much later when Giles found yet another drawback to his non-corporeal state. He did not need to sleep. For a while he lay down just to see how he felt, but truthfully he had no desire to sleep and no need for it. He wandered around the apartment trying to find something to do, but he could not even lift any books down from their shelves let alone actually open them. The TV was equally problematic and he finally found himself standing in the living room feeling utterly bored.

Barnabus had told him that it was only his mental perception of himself that was making him have these problems. If he could believe that he could pick up a cup he would be able to. That was easier said than done though. So instead he was pacing his apartment reciting Latin verbs just to give his mind something to do.

A sound outside the apartment pulled him out of his increasingly depressed thoughts. It was only faint, something falling outside the window, but it was enough to immediately put him on alert. As he listened her heard another faint scraping sound and knew someone, or something, was out there. Cautiously he made his way to the door and poked his head through. It was a strange sensation to deliberately put his head through an object but it was one of the few advantages of his new status. As he looked out he could see a shadowy figure crouched beneath the window. Saying a silent prayer that this would not be one of the rare sensitives who could see him, he walked fully through the door and began to creep closer.

Something must have alerted the intruder because it suddenly moved and turned to look at him. It was too dark for Giles to make out the face but he was sure he knew it. For one long moment they stared at each other and even though he could not see any features Giles felt a wave of black, viscous hate emanating from the figure. Then it sprang up and ran out of the courtyard. Without thought Giles began to run after the fleeing figure.

He chased it down a couple of streets before turning a corner to find the figure had vanished. When he realised that he could not find the mysterious intruder Giles leaned against a wall to catch his breath.

After a moment he straightened and began to touch the wall with a sense of wonder. He was actually touching something without putting his hand through it. When he concentrated he could push his hand through, and he had no real sensation of what he was touching, but he was actually touching something. The thought made him want to whoop with joy and dance on the spot, but his inner reserve would not allow him. Instead he contented himself with slapping the wall, half disappointed when there was no pain.

Another thought occurred to him and he began to chuckle at himself. Old habits were hard to get rid of, particularly the habit of breathing. As a ghost he did not need to breathe, and having to pant after running seemed slightly silly in that light. But it was so ingrained in him that he could not help it, even though he felt pretty ridiculous as a ghost getting out of breath. Feeling slightly more cheerful than before he made his way back to the apartment.

***

Buffy woke slowly and stretched lazily. She could feel warm sunlight pouring down on her but after a moment she began to feel slightly puzzled. It was coming from the wrong place. Mentally she ran through a list of where she could be and bolted upright as she remembered that she was at Giles' apartment. In his bed. And he was a ghost, hanging around somewhere.

Suddenly Buffy had the urge to go and check on Giles, just to make sure that he had not been called away while she was asleep. Stopping long enough to throw a robe on over her pyjamas Buffy quickly descended the stairs to the living room. For just a moment she felt a cold rush of fear slicing through her before she spotted her Watcher sitting standing by the counter in the kitchen. She felt a surge of warmth as she watched him turning the pages of the book on the counter, a bowl standing forgotten beside it. Typical Giles. He would probably forget his own funeral if a good book got in the way.

The thought immediately sobered Buffy. Giles had been at his funeral, in a coffin, lying pale and lifeless. But she could not equate that image with the vital, lively (if a little distracted) man standing in front of her.

Giles turned a page and Buffy realised why the scene seemed slightly out of kilter to her. He was reading a book, turning the pages and had obviously managed to get a bowl out of the cupboard.

"Giles, you're solid!" she exclaimed.

He jumped, startled, and then blushed slightly. "Not as solid as I would wish, but essentially I'm solid."

"How? Why? When?"

Buffy poured herself some juice and sat down at the table to listen to him. Giles sat opposite her, a definite improvement on yesterday he thought to himself, and recounted the night's adventure.

As he talked Giles found himself watching Buffy. There was nothing unusual in that, except that normally he was not talking to her when she was only wearing pyjamas and a thin robe. He found it surprisingly difficult to concentrate on what he was saying. He kept being distracted by her tousled, fresh-from-bed look. And when she finished her juice and drew her legs up to her chest he found the sight of her bare legs even more distracting. It was more than simply distracting; it was disturbing. He had the intense wish to touch those smooth, golden legs and run his hands through her hair. This had never happened before. Occasionally he had admitted to himself that Buffy was an extraordinarily beautiful girl, and sometimes he had even felt a twinge of jealousy towards Angel and then Riley, but he had never found himself fantasising about her before.

The thought pulled him up. He was fantasising about her and was desperately wishing she would smile just so he could see the way it lit the room. Death had evidently made him loose his grip on reality.

"Giles? Are you ok?"

He came back to himself and realised that Buffy was now standing in front of him, looking at him intently. She looked concerned and Giles felt his face heat at the memory of what he had been thinking about her.

"Are you alright? You kind of zoned on me for a moment there." Buffy's voice was laced with the concern that was echoed on her face.

"I'm fine," he reassured her. "I was just . . . puzzling over who the intruder could have been."

"Ah." Buffy did not look satisfied but evidently she decided to leave it alone for now. "Do you think he could have had something to do with your situation?"

"The thought occurred to me."

"It's a shame you didn't see him properly. I'd love to have a few minutes alone with him."

"I'd be cheering you on every moment." Giles smiled at her, relieved that the difficult moment was over.

"What were you making?" Buffy asked, indicating the abandoned bowl.

"I was considering making you some breakfast," Giles told her.

"Let me guess, you found a book and got side-tracked."

"More or less."

Buffy raised an eyebrow at him.

"Possibly more rather than less."

"That's my Giles. A sucker for a book. Do you read the cereal packets if you can't find a book at breakfast?"

Giles' embarrassed look was answer enough.

"What were you making me?"

"Well, it was going to be an omelette."

"Sounds good. Need any help?"

As they cooked they discovered the less helpful side of Giles' new abilities. As soon as he actually thought about the impossibility of what he was doing his solidity dissolved. When a person is holding two eggs that is not particularly helpful. Buffy decided that the technique was to make sure Giles was not holding anything potentially breakable or messy and they would cope.

"Do you have any plans today?" Giles inquired as she ate, struggling to keep his eyes on her face and not elsewhere.

"Not really. Mostly just lazing and maybe studying if I get bored. I'm hoping that Willow and Xander might come round."

"And Riley?"

Buffy's expression was uncertain. "I guess if he wants to visit it'll be ok."

"Ah."

"Ah, what?"

"Have you had an argument?"

"No. Not really. Not an argument where you stand and scream at each other."

"But . . ." Giles probed.

"But . . . I'm not sure." Buffy suddenly deflated. "Since you . . . maybe even before that, I'll see him and there's nothing. It's like everything I felt for him, or at least thought I felt, was a lie and now there's nothing. Maybe fondness, friendship, but none of the heart stopping, mind-numbing . . . stuff I thought I felt. It's weird and now I don't know how to talk to him. He kisses me and I feel nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Am I a really bad person?"

Giles looked at her, noting the bright tears welling in her eyes and the forlorn expression, and his heart broke for her. Never mind the tiny voice in his head that was screaming "yippee!" He filed that away to examine later. Instead he tried to comfort her. Without even being aware of it he covered her hand with his and she squeezed it tightly.

"Of course you're not a bad person. These things happen. You're young and your feelings are bound to change over time."

Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to contain the tears. Her emotions had been so erratic over the past few weeks that she was sometimes surprised that she had any tears left. "I just didn't think my feelings would change like this. One moment I'm all over him and the next . . . I'm over him. Overnight I removed an 'all' and fell out of love. Am I that fickle?"

"Buffy, you are anything but fickle. I may not agree with your relationship with Angel, but you showed more commitment to him than many people show to their legal partner. But that has been your only serious relationship so far and it's not surprising that you don't want that kind of commitment again."

Inside Buffy knew, with sudden clarity, that it was not commitment she did not want - it was really Riley. Giles was wrong in a way, and yet also more right than he could know. She wanted someone who loved her as much as Angel had, accepted her the way no one else could and did not leave her as cold as Riley now did. She needed someone to fill the empty gap in her soul. But she needed time to process this minor epiphany so instead she said, "Thank you. How do you always know what to say to make me feel less bad about myself?"

"I wasn't aware that I did."

"You do. Thank you." She suddenly became aware that she was sitting, half-dressed, at the dining table of her Watcher and equally suddenly she became aware that it did not feel . . . appropriate. "I'd better go and get dressed," she said with a shy smile.

"Y-yes," Giles stammered, and then blushed.

As Buffy slowly walked upstairs to get her wash kit she muttered under her breath, "Appropriate? You've spent way too much time around him. Maybe I should see Willow and Xander today after all - brush up on my teenage slang a little."

***

The doorbell rang that afternoon as Buffy was finishing washing up her dishes from lunch. Giles was sitting at the counter reading a book and the companionable domesticity had felt surprisingly right for some reason. As the sound echoed through the apartment they looked at each other.

"Do you-"

"I'll go-"

They both spoke at the same time and broke off. Buffy gestured for the Watcher to continue.

"I'll go upstairs. I doubt they could see me but . . ."

The blonde Slayer felt a brief pang of disappointment that he would not be there while she coped with her friends, but he would be upstairs so that was almost as good. Wasn't it?

Buffy opened the door and found not only Willow and Xander standing there, but also Riley and Tara. "Hi," she said weakly. She took a breath and tried again. "Hi. Uh, come in?"

The groups of teenagers trooped in casting worried looks at Buffy as they passed her and sat down uncomfortably in the living room. The blonde Slayer sighed quietly as she shut the door and took up her seat curled up in a corner of the sofa.

"So," Willow began slowly, "how are you?"

"I'm OK. Really guys, I'm feeling a lot better than I did. I'm sorry if I worried you but," Buffy shrugged, "I was having trouble dealing. I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm feeling more . . . together now."

"Well, good," Willow said, summoning up an uncertain smile. "I'm glad you're feeling less . . . sad. We all miss him y'know. He was a huge part of our lives for four years and it's hard to let go of that."

"I know. I'm sorry I bailed on you all like that. It was like something inside me died when he did, but now I think I'm getting better. I don't feel so empty anymore."

As she spoke, she was unaware of Riley's sudden attention or the startled look that crossed his face, followed by a look of pale sadness. However, Willow noticed.

"Does anyone want to help me make tea?" she asked, nudging Tara gently.

"Not for me thanks," Xander said blithely, getting two glares in response.

He cocked his head in puzzlement and Willow gestured to Riley with her eyes. Still Xander looked puzzled so the redheaded witch rolled her eyes and pointed towards the commando, trying to hide her movements from Buffy.

"Oh!" Xander exclaimed, as he finally understood. "Right. Sure, I'd love to help you. Now? Now."

Willow dragged Tara and Xander out of the room, into the kitchen, and pointedly closed the hatch. Buffy and Riley were left sitting uncomfortably in the living room. Neither of them spoke for a couple of minutes and then Riley stood, walked over to the sofa and sat down beside his girlfriend. He ducked his head and looked into her eyes, noting her expression of sad introspection. The unfamiliar expression pulled at something deep down and he put an arm around her shoulder comfortingly. Without realising what she was doing Buffy stiffened and tried to shrug him off.

Riley's heart immediately sank, even though the small woman beside him tried to retract her gesture.

"Buffy, what's wrong?" he asked gently. "There's something going on in that busy mind of yours and it's scaring me."

"Going on?" she repeated. "Nothing's going on. Nothing that you need to be worried about."

Riley shook his head and moved away from her slightly. "Something is up. Is it to do with Giles? I know you're upset about him but I didn't think you were that close."

"No," Buffy said, a little too quickly. Her guilty look betrayed though.

"Now I know there's something wrong. You don't normally lie to me. You may omit the occasional detail, but you don't normally flat-out lie. Tell me."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me.

"Trust me, you wouldn't understand."

"Maybe I understand more than you think." Riley took a deep breath. "I think you fell in love with Giles, without knowing it, and were hurt deeply when you found him with someone else. Now that he's gone you wish you could have told him how you felt and you're feeling guilty for pushing him away. Xander and Willow told be how close you used to be. I can understand, really, I can."

"I . . . you . . . you think . . . I . . ." Buffy trailed off. The whole idea was absurd - so beyond ridiculous it was not even funny - yet a part of her conscious had been nudging her as he spoke, telling her that maybe it was not quite that silly. "Maybe."

Buffy put her hand over her mouth but the words were already out and Riley looked as though she had punched him in the stomach - or worse.

"Riley, I didn't mean-"

"Yes, you did," he interrupted her. "I think I'd better go now."

"But-"

He reached over and gently wiped away the tear that was sliding down her cheek. "No 'buts'. I love you, and in your way I know you love me. But he has a part of you I can't have and I can understand that. I don't want to be second best. If you're with me I want to have all your heart, not the left-overs, so I have to go."

***

Giles started as the door closed and he began mentally hitting himself for listening in on what was supposed to be a private conversation - what would have been better as a private conversation. But he had promised to stay upstairs and they had been deep into their conversation before he realised what was happening. And now he knew things that he would definitely have been better off not knowing. Riley's accusation had been startling enough - Buffy's admission had stunned him into insensibility for a while. How could he have been so blind? And what was he to do now? Knowing what he did about her feelings, and his feelings in return, it would be difficult to go on as they had before, especially considering his current...status.

He sat down on the bed and sighed. As if hanging around in his current condition was not bad enough for the poor girl - now there were feelings involved that had no right being involved. And worst of all, no future for those feelings. There was only one thing to do - he had to see Barnabus.

***

Willow found Buffy alone in the living room staring at the coffee table with a look of profound sorrow.

"He talked to you?" she asked, sitting down on the sofa next to her friend and putting an arm over her shoulders.

Buffy did not answer, but instead turned and began crying hopelessly. Willow hugged her close and gently rubbed her back, feeling the harsh sobs racking her friend and wondering what Riley had said that could possibly have done this to her. Eventually the Slayer began to calm down and the tears reduced to hiccuping gasps.

"What did he say?" Willow asked, looking into her friend's tear-streaked face. "I told him...vague disclaimers are nobody's friend. I'll find my shovel and . . ."

"Will, it wasn't anything . . . he didn't hurt me. Well, he did . . . but not in the way you think." Buffy took a deep breath and rubbed her hands over her face. "He . . . made me think about something I didn't want to and then . . . he left. He had to."

"What was it?"

"It's . . . it's nothing important now."

"Nonsense. If it wasn't important, why did he leave?"

Buffy shrugged and sniffed. "He had to. I . . . I don't do long term well it seems."

"Was it about Giles?"

"What?"

"Was it about Giles? We were talking the other day and . . . I might have told him, in a roundabout way that is totally Anya's fault, that you may, possibly, have had some feelings for Giles that were more than Slayer/Watcher feelings. Maybe. Possibly. Are you mad?"

"No, no, of course I'm not mad. A little surprised maybe. How did you know? I didn't really know until Riley said it and then it just seemed . . . right."

Willow smiled at her. "Oh, it was little things. You guys were so close - until Olivia - and then there was all the times you worried about him, or had a private joke none of the rest of us knew or . . . well, there was a lot of stuff."

"Oh. Wow. It was that obvious?"

The redheaded witch nodded.

"Oh."

"Is it safe to come out now?" Xander asked.

"He knew?" Buffy asked.

Willow winced. "Yeah? Maybe? A little? Uh . . ."

Buffy sighed. "It's ok. You can all come out now. I'm fine, Riley's gone and Giles is . . . gone."

The last work came out weakly, as the reality of the revelations hit her, and she realised how complicated this all was now.

"Can I have some tea? If you actually made any while you were out there," the Slayer asked.

***

Barnabus' office was just as Giles had left it. The fire in the hearth crackled merrily and he spent some time warming himself in front of it and looking around the room thoughtfully. For some reason the strangely familiar setting relaxed him and he could feel the fears and doubts start to . . . well, not go away, but become less frightening. Maybe there was a way around all this. Obviously, despite what Buffy felt, he could not be anything more in her life than he already was, but maybe he could at least look over her. Make sure nothing happened to her, or maybe watch her back as he had in the old days.

He sighed. Who was he fooling? He could not tell her that he had heard her talk with Riley, and he could not suggest leaving without doing so. He had given his word.

"Don't you folks ever let a guy get any rest?" Barnabus said from behind him. "Jeez - ya can't resist creating problems for yerself."

"But-"

The short man held up a hand. "Ht, ht! No arguments. She's let the cat out of the bag and ya have ta decide what yer gonna do about it. I told ya this wouldn't be an easy assignment and once yer assigned I can't change that. So do me a favour and start thinking with yer head, not yer . . . heart."

The look Barnabus gave him left Giles in no doubt what he really wanted to say.

"I'm not sure what I want to do," the former Watcher admitted.

Barnabus considered a moment and then sighed. "At least yer being honest. It's a start. Well, there are two options."

"Yes?" Giles prompted when the tubby man hesitated.

"First is the obvious one; ya don't mention it. Ya never refer to it, and ya never, ever tell her ya love her. She'll carry on with her life and eventually she'll find someone who, maybe she won't love as much as you, but who she does love some. She'd never be as happy with him as she would with you, but she'd have a future."

"And option two?"

"Ya tell her ya love her and make her admit she feels the same. The two of ya can never 'consummate' that love but that won't matter because you'll be together. Hell, she'll never be able to tell her friends about ya, so the relationship will be strained from the start. Eventually yer time there will be up and ya will go to yer reward, or the other place, and have to leave her. Misery, tragic love - a writer would have a field day. And she'll have a broken heart again."

The short man watched as the reality of the situation and the possibilities hit home with the Watcher.

"It's a hard choice; a few minutes of happiness against an eternity of sorrow but ya have to make it now. Before ya go back to her."

"There's really only one choice, isn't there?" Giles said sadly, reflecting on the irony of having to make the same choice as Angel.

"I knew you were a smart one."

He sighed. "Very well. I've made my choice."

"Good. Sorry for ya, mate, but that's the way things go."

***

As Buffy closed the door behind Willow and Xander looked around the apartment, realising for the first time just how empty it was when she was the only one there. Without being certain how, she knew Giles was not here. The apartment felt too empty and silent and it reflected the hollow she could now acknowledge in her own heart. She turned on the radio as she went through to the kitchen so that there was a reminder that she was not completely alone; it just felt like it. Pulling open the fridge she stood there for a minute, debating internally, and settled on trying to cook a stir-fry. The mindless task of chopping vegetables would free her mind to think.

She needed to think. The conversations with Riley and then Willow had opened up feelings that she had to sort through while she was alone. Trying to sort through them when Giles was there would just be an exercise in futility.

 _I love him,_  she admitted to herself.  _Now what? I've gone from 'I can't believe he's dead' to 'I love him' in a few days. Is this a reaction to his dead?_

She savagely chopped a carrot.  _It could be a reaction, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels more like it's something I've always known. As though I've been hiding from it until now and suddenly it's hitting me in the face. So, if it's not something new what do I do?_

An onion joined the carrot in its fate.  _There isn't really any choice, is there? I can't say anything - if he doesn't feel the same way I'll have messed up our friendship completely. And there's the whole dead thing. We could never have a relationship even if he felt the same way. I guess . . . I guess that means there's only one choice. I can never tell him how I feel. It would hurt both of us too much. Damn._

Tears began streaming down her cheeks but she told herself, firmly, that they were from the onion.

***

Giles reappeared in his bedroom and immediately smelt cooking - lots of cooking of various descriptions and just the faintest whiff of smoke. In spite of his decision, he could not help a small thrill of happiness passing through him at the thought of finding Buffy downstairs. He gave himself a stern mental lecture about inappropriate thoughts and unsuitable feelings before descending the stairs at a jog.

The kitchen was filled with steam and he could hear the hiss of something frying in a pan on the stove. As the air cleared a little he made out the beautiful blonde Slayer who had created the confusion and his heart did an involuntary leap. She was humming lightly and stirring something in the pan, at the same time as she sampled a spoonful from another pot. On the counter sat two trays of cooling cookies and there was a suspiciously blackened tin sitting in the sink. All in all, it was chaos.

Giles cleared his throat loudly and Buffy whirled to face him. A brilliant smile lit her face before being quickly masked and he found a protest half way to his mouth before he thought about it.

"I keep forgetting you can sneak up on me," she noted, turning back to the stove.

"I'll try to remember to announce my presence better," Giles responded, as he knew she expected him to. "What are you doing?"

"Well, I was making supper but it got a bit out of hand."

"Ah. Are you hungry?"

Buffy looked around at the cookies, steaming pots and frying food. "I'll have to be, won't I?"

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? There's nothing going on here . . . nothing that you'd be interested in. Absolutely nothing."

Giles watched in bemusement as she tipped several spoons of chilli powder into one of the boiling pans. "Of course. Did you have a nice visit with your friends?"

He tried to feign the correct amount of casual interest as he spoke; he did not want her to know that he had overheard her conversation with Riley but her response would tell him how handle the situation.

"Yeah, it was nice. You know the Gang - always trying to be nice." Buffy paused. "Riley broke up with me, but other than that it was nice."

"Riley broke up with you?" Giles repeated trying to sound surprised. "Are you all right?"

"I am now. He said something about not fitting in with the Slayer life so he left me."

Although he knew it was a lie, Giles felt a pang of sorrow for her; she had broken up with someone who loved her even though she could not be with the person she did love.

"How about you?" she asked, turning to face him. "Where did you disappear to?"

"I-I-I had to visit Barnabus. He wanted to go over some things with me."

"Ah." Buffy could hear the lie in his voice but decided not to pursue it. "Wanna sit with me while I eat?"

"I'd be delighted."

Spooning food out of several pots, and unconsciously avoiding the over-seasoned one, she sat down at the table with her full plate. As Giles sat down opposite her, he could see the effort she was taking to talk normally. That told him more clearly than words could have that she was not going to mention her talk with Riley or the feelings she had admitted. Despite the pain shooting through him, he managed to keep up his end of the conversation and to anyone who did not know them it would have seemed to be a perfectly normal conversation, apart from the odd mention of demons or magic. To anyone who did know them, though, there were odd pauses and long looks that were almost worse than silences.

The awkward meal finished eventually and Buffy pleaded homework as an excuse to make an early exit to the bedroom. Giles saw through it immediately but said nothing. What was there to say?

***

 _Being catatonic for several weeks,_  Buffy concluded part way through her third lecture of the day,  _really sucks._

She had barely been paying any attention to her classes since Giles' death and she now realised that she knew none of the things she should have been learning.  _And exams start next week. How am I going to get through this?_

There were two possible answers; Willow was one of the best study partners around or she could ask Giles to tutor her. Emotionally, it would probably be best not to ask Giles but the extra help he could give her could mean the difference between scraping through or failing dismally.

As soon as the lecture ended Buffy rushed to catch up with Willow. "Will, I need some help."

"What's up Buffy?" Willow asked.

"It's the exams. I haven't really been paying that much attention in class the past few weeks and now we've got exams in a few weeks so...be my study buddy?"

Willow looked uncertain for a moment. "I already promised to help out Tara...but that doesn't mean I can't help you too. Meet me in our room after your last class and we'll find out where you are."

The redheaded witch rushed off before Buffy could reply so the Slayer shrugged and continued to her next class.  _Guess I've got some help now._

***

It was very late by the time Buffy got back to the apartment and her brain felt ready to burst from excess knowledge. Giles was pacing in the lounge and as soon as he saw her he let out a deep breath and walked over.

"Buffy, are you all right?" he asked, concerned.

"Couldn't be better," she replied cheerfully, his obvious worry lightening her heart despite her best intentions. "Will's helping me revise for the exams. I feel all knowledgey now."

"Well, that's good."

"I would have called but I wasn't sure if you would have answered the telephone."

Giles immediately stopped mentally berating her for letting him worry when he realised that he probably would not have answered the telephone. "Well, that's quite all right. I'm just glad that you're safe."

He watched her dump her books and bags on his desk and followed her into the kitchen. "How did your studying go?"

She pulled open the fridge as she answered. "Ok. I'm never going to do brilliantly but I need to pass." She paused. "Could you, maybe, help me too? You know a lot so I thought you might be able to, sort of, coach me?"

A tiny ball of pride began to swell in Giles' heart before he firmly squelched it. "I'd be delighted."

"Thank you." Buffy stepped away from the fridge with a tub of leftovers from the previous night's meal. "Guess it's a good thing I only have to reheat this tonight. Studying is more tiring than it looks."

***

In the weeks that followed Buffy and Giles barely had time to think, let alone brood. What Buffy now referred to as her 'month of the mope' had resulted in her barely paying attention in any of her classes and there was now a lot of work that she had to catch up on to have a chance of passing the year. She spent as much time as she could at Willow's being tutored with Tara and then returned to the apartment for further work with Giles. In the odd moment she had to spare she patrolled but those forays were sketchy at best. Finally, the day of the first exam arrived and she was up early doing a last minute read-through of her notes.

Giles stood in the kitchen watching as she read, a slice of toast paused halfway to her mouth, and reflected on how much she had changed. Gone was the carefree teenager of the past; Buffy had been forced to grow up faster than he would have liked and she now had an almost overly serious attitude to everything. As he watched, she turned a page in her notes and took another bite of toast. A year ago, this was something he never thought her would see and far from feeling relieved that she had settled down he missed her exuberance. It had cheered him up to see her cheerful face each day and decoding her teenage speech had been a part of their relationship. Now that had all changed and he was reluctantly aware that part of the blame for that change could be laid squarely on his shoulders.

She took another slow bite and checked her watch, letting out a surprised squeak when she realised what time it was. Picking up her books and notes, and carrying her toast in her mouth, Buffy rushed out of the door. She closed it and then opened it again to pop her head through.

"Bye Giles. I'll see you later. Do you mind if Tara and Will come round tonight for study? No? Great. See ya. Wish me luck!"

She was gone before he could answer so he silently wished her luck and began pacing in the lounge. With all the stress of her exams he had not told her that their midnight visitor had been back several times now and he was not sure how to break the news. The mysterious visitor just seemed to watch them, usually only for a few minutes, and then they were gone. He had chased a couple of times but it was like trying to catch smoke - the visitor did not want to be caught and ran like the wind. Giles knew Buffy would be upset if she found out he had kept something like that from her, but he reasoned that she was stressed enough as it was.  _No sense in worrying her further,_  he decided.

***

Buffy took a deep breath before she unlocked the door that evening and reassured herself that this was a good idea. She had been reluctant to bring anyone to the apartment because it felt too private now that Giles was there. But she had decided that morning that if she was going to get over him she had to start letting other people in so this was the first step.

"Dump your stuff somewhere and I'll put on the kettle," she instructed as she walked through the door.

Tara and Willow followed her in and put their bags down on the sofa.

Giles was waiting in the kitchen and Buffy smiled briefly when she saw him.

"How did it go?" he asked.

"Fine," she whispered. "I got the right questions so I might pass this."

"That's good. I'll be upstairs."

"You're not staying?"

He looked at her and Buffy sighed as she realised that it would not be a good plan.

"I'll see you later," she whispered and jumped as Willow spoke behind her.

"Are you all right?" The redhead looked at her curiously. "You're whispering and it's slightly disturbing."

"I was, uh..." Buffy looked to Giles for help but he walked through the counter and left. "I-I was, uh, reciting. Notes. For the exams. Because I'm a good Slayer."

Willow looked doubtful but said nothing more. "Tea?" she asked.

"Tea? Oh, yeah, tea."

Buffy busied herself making tea and carried it through to the lounge where Tara already had the books spread out on the coffee table. For several hours the three girls worked, revised, quizzed each other and generally studied. Every now and again the blonde witch looked around curiously and shivered, but she resolutely did not mention it to Willow. The light had gone and the moon was shining brightly when Buffy eventually closed her book and stretched.

"Sorry to say, guys, but I need to bail. I need some sleep before tomorrow's exam," she said, yawning.

Willow looked to Tara and then back at Buffy. "Yeah, I guess sleep would be a good idea."

"Do you want me to walk you back?"

"No, no. We'll be fine," the redhead assured her.

"Are you sure? Sunnydale isn't exactly an advert for night time safety."

"I'm sure. We're both bad-ass witches now so anything that messes with us..."

"We'll zap them with our fiery spells," Tara finished.

"Ok. You guys take care and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow. Why do universities have to schedule exams when any decent humans should be asleep?"

"Decent, non-Slayer humans who get to bed before midnight, you mean?" Willow asked.

"Well, yeah." Buffy grinned. "Good night."

She showed them to the door and the two witches went out into the courtyard. As soon as the door close Tara turned to Willow.

"Did you...feel something in there?" she asked, shivering.

"Feel something?"

"As though you were being watched, only no one was there."

Willow thought for a moment. "No, not really. It was a little cold in there, and I think Buffy really needs to invest in draft excluders, but that was all."

"Oh."

"Why? Did you feel something?"

Tara hesitated.

"You did! Is there something evil in there that I can't feel?" Willow asked, concerned. "I mean, Buffy's been behaving weirdly ever since Giles died and...oh, he died in there! You don't think there was something evil in there that killed Giles and now it's going after Buffy? We have to warn her-"

"No, it's nothing like that," Tara quickly assured her. "It just...I felt like there was something watching me. Not an evil thing, just something."

"Should we tell Buffy?"

"No. It's probably just me being crazy or something."

Willow and Tara looked at each other doubtfully.

"Maybe we should do some research," Willow suggested.

"When the exams are over," Tara added.

"Yeah."

There was a pause and then Willow asked, "Are you in the mood for ice-cream?"

"Ok."

***

Long after Buffy went to bed, Giles paced in the living room. He had seen the looks Tara was casting in his direction and remembered the warning Barnabus had given him about 'sensitive' people seeing him. Somehow, Tara had sensed his presence. It was not the first time she had shown unusual intuition but he had no doubt that she would talk it over with Willow. For all their sakes, it would be best if he left Buffy and never returned, but at this point in her exams his disappearance could ruin her chances of passing the year. And the last thing he ever wanted to do was wreck her college years more than he already had.

So he would have to make sure that the next time Tara was around the apartment, he was not. It would just require some planning.

Slowly, he became aware of someone watching him. Or, to be more precise, someone watching the room - their midnight visitor was back. Giles turned his head but could only make out a shadow in the window. As had become his habit, he walked across the room and forced himself to walk through the door. By the time he was through, the midnight visitor was gone.

***

Buffy let out a sigh of relief as she walked out of the lecture theatre after her final exam. It had been tough, and she could not remember ever studying so hard, but she had a good feeling that she had passed. She heard a voice call her name and hung back to wait for Willow and Tara.

"So, Buff, how'd it go?" Willow asked, her face flushed.

"I think it went ok," Buffy replied, grinning. "Thanks."

"Cool. We're gonna pass! Wanna go get sugared up on mochas?"

Buffy looked at her two friends and allowed herself to slowly relax. "Sure."

***

It was much later when she got back to Giles' apartment and she felt a thrill of happiness rush through her when she saw her former Watcher pacing in the living room. As soon as she walked in he turned to her with an expectant look.

"It went fine," she reassured him as she dropped her bag next to the couch. "No problems. That question on Kaiser Bill's personality came up so I guess I have you to thank for that. Thank you."

Giles flushed slightly. "It was nothing."

"Nothing? You sat up until the early hours helping me to study for over a month! You put up with my weird moods without trying to kill me and I said some horrid things to you when I got stuck. So you deserve a lot of thanks."

He smiled at her. "It was a pleasure to teach you. I felt useful."

"You're always useful to me...that didn't come out right," Buffy finished, blushing. To cover her confusion she went into the kitchen and began poking around in the cupboards, looking for something to eat. "So, would you like to watch a movie tonight?"

"M-movie?"

"Yeah. You know, pictures that move and tell a story."

"Ha ha."

"So, do you want to?"

Giles followed her into the kitchen and watched Buffy as she began pulling food out of the cupboard. "What about your friends? Don't you want to celebrate with them?"

"I had mochas with Tara and Willow this afternoon. Besides, you're my friend too and I want to do something fun with you. Funner than study anyway. Please?"

Buffy turned her best pleading look on him and he melted into her blue eyes. "Very well. I'm afraid I don't have many videos though."

"Blockbuster does though. We can go when I've eaten."

"I don't know..."

"I do. We're going." She smiled up at him. "We'll have fun. We need some fun."

***

Blockbusters on a Friday night was a busy place. It was filled with young couples looking at the romantic comedies, kids looking at the Disney films, older kids finding the goriest movie on current release and everything in between. Buffy looked around and tried to decide where to start.

"What do you want to see?" she whispered.

Giles stood beside her, trying to avoid being walked through because he still found that disconcerting, and shook his head. "I have no idea."

"Ok." Buffy thought for a moment and moved over to the aisle that held some of the older films rather than heading for the new releases. Giles followed her, accidentally walking through someone, but not noticing the strange look the woman had as she walked through the strangely chilly spot.

"Right, we've got lots of choice," Buffy whispered, trying to keep mouth movements to a minimum. "I haven't been to the cinema in ages so there must be something here we both like."

She began moving along the shelves, touching films she thought they might like and moving on when she heard Giles' faintly whispered 'no'. It was a slow process and she was aware of receiving more than one odd look as she apparently whispered to thin air but they finally narrow down to two movies. Buffy went to the desk to pay and Giles waited outside for her. Together they walked back to the apartment, hardly speaking but enjoying the rare chance to just be together.

Buffy held the door open for him and she shivered slightly as he accidentally brushed against her. For some reason, instead of the usual cold wall she felt when they touched, she thought she could feel warmth against her arm where he had touched her. It was only for a few moments and then he was gone so she put it down to an over active imagination.

Giles settled himself on the sofa as Buffy turned on a couple of dim lamps and set up the video.

"Don't you want more lights?" he asked as she curled up on the other end of the sofa.

"Nah, this is fine. Movies should always be watched with minimum lighting."

He smiled and turned his attention to the film. After a moment Buffy wriggled, and then she shifted again.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes," Buffy replied, then grimaced. "No. My shoulder aches. I don't think I'm meant to write for three hours straight."

"Yes, well, if you're not used to it, it can be uncomfortable." Giles hesitated.

"What?"

"I was just thinking...maybe...if I...no."

"Ok, that made no sense. Wanna try again?"

Giles flushed.

"How do you do that?" she asked. "You're a ghost, but you can still blush. And stutter."

"I-I, well, I assume it's...Barnabus said that I only appear the way my mind thinks of myself."

"So, if you thought of yourself as a tall, muscular cutie you'd appear as one?"

He blushed even more. "W-well, yes, I suppose I would."

"Hmm. But you stay looking like the Giles I - we know and love so that's the way you think of yourself."

"I suppose so."

Buffy thought for a moment. "Good."

Giles raised and eyebrow. "Good?"

"Yeah. I like you just the way you are."

She was aware that she was in danger of crossing the unconscious barriers she had set up but somehow it did not seem to matter tonight. It was as though all the mental lectures she had given herself over the weeks were no longer important. She had to let him know how much she valued him and how she would miss him when he eventually left.

"Th-thank you."

"No thanks necessary." She paused. "I would never want you to change - I love you just the way you are."


	3. Chapter 3

Buffy paled and Giles reddened as they became aware of what she had said.

"I-I, uh, you didn't hear that, did you?" she asked faintly.

"Hear what?"

"H-hear...can I take it back?"

"Do you want to?"

Buffy thought for a moment. "No. I don't. My timing sucks, and I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I don't want to take it back."

"Are you sure?"

"Never been more sure of anything in my life. I couldn't take it back even if I wanted to. Which I don't."

They sat in silence for a while, thinking hard. Barriers had been crossed that could never be put back and they were not sure why. Only that it had to happen.

"Are you mad?" Buffy asked after a while.

"Mad?"

"I shouldn't have said anything. You don't feel the same way...and you're a ghost...so this whole thing is just a bad idea. I'm sorry."

"Who said I don't feel the same way?"

"Well, you look like the world is just about to end so I'm assuming-"

"You assumed incorrectly. I've known how you feel for weeks now - ever since Riley broke up with you. I was still here."

"Oh."

"And in that time I've thought long and hard about this. I've had a lot of time to after all. I could never not love you, but this is not a normal situation."

"No, it isn't."

"I've watched you struggle with this and I've felt my heart break each time you look at me. Did you know you keep your heart in your eyes? I've wanted to tell you that I love you a hundred times a day."

"So what happened?"

"I'm dead. I may be here, I can talk and walk around, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm dead. That's why I couldn't say anything."

"I don't care. You're here and I can't stop loving you just because we can't be together." Buffy looked into his eyes and paled even further. "You can't leave."

"I have to. I only stayed because I promised myself I wouldn't hurt you any more. Well, now my being here is going to hurt you so I have to go."

"No! How can I go on without you?"

"You'll survive."

Buffy had tears streaming down her face. "I nearly didn't last time. I won't this time."

"You will. You'll go on to live without me, to love someone else and at the end I'll be there for you. Waiting."

"No. I won't let you go."

Giles stood and looked down at her, memorising every inch of her beautiful face. "You can't stop me."

Buffy ducked her head as she realised the truth of his quiet statement. "But I can ask you to stay."

He shook his head. "You won't."

She let out a deep breath. "No, I won't. Why are you always so smart?"

"I'm not. If I were 'smart' I wouldn't have fallen in love with you. You'd be out with your friends, laughing and having fun rather than crying. And we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"It's not your fault. I should have stayed quiet." Buffy stood and looked at him. "I'll miss you."

"I'll wait for you."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"No, you won't. I want you to grow old and die in bed, surrounded by grandchildren."

"That's a nice dream but I'm the Slayer. It's not gonna happen."

Giles reached out and gentle stroked her cheek, closing his eyes in pain when he could not feel the soft warmth beneath his fingers. "Maybe not, but I can dream."

"So can I. And I'll always dream of you."

Against all his best intentions, and his better conscience, Giles leaned down to kiss Buffy. He was barely inches away from her lips when he felt her freeze. For a moment he felt the pain of rejection stab his heart until he realised why she had frozen. There was a sound outside.

It was so faint that he thought he had imagined it, but then it came again. A faint scraping against the door followed by a quiet click as something tapped against the handle.

"Someone's out there," Buffy whispered.

"It's probably our midnight visitor."

"Visitor?"

"Someone has been coming here, looking through the windows, several times over the past few weeks."

"And you were going to tell me when?"

There was another scraping sound outside.

"Now?" Giles said, hesitantly.

"Thanks."

She walked to her back, pulled out a stake and went to the door.

"What are you doing?" Giles asked.

"Looking outside."

"You don't know what's out there," he protested.

"I will in a moment."

Buffy took a deep breath, put her hand on the door handle, and twisted it open. She pulled sharply and the door opened. The person on the other side fell in and landed at her feet. For a moment there was stunned silence and then the visitor shook its dark hair out of its face.

"Faith?" Buffy whispered incredulously.

"The one and only," the dark Slayer replied, standing.

"I thought you were-"

"Dead?"

"Gone."

Faith smiled. "You can't get rid of me that easily, B. After what you did, you know I had to come back."

"What I did? What about what you did? You stole my body and my boyfriend - does that ring a bell?"

"He wasn't that hard to steal, B," Faith said, still smiling. "As for your body, believe me it was not one of my highest points."

"Thanks."

"No, really, revenge is sweetest when it's shared." She leaned against the doorjamb. "And the best revenge takes time. I went about it all wrong, I realised that."

Buffy looked at her curiously. "You realised what?"

"I realised that if I wanted to get revenge I had to go after the person you cared about most and I was wrong about who that is."

The dark Slayer watched the slowly dawning horror on her opponents face. "That's right. I finally worked it out. There's someone you care about more than Mr. Beefcake, more than your brooding hunk, even more than yourself. And believe me, it was quite a rush to watch."

"No. No." Buffy shook her head. "You didn't."

"Yes. Yes. I did." Faith slowly walked around the other Slayer. "I found a magician who didn't care for much other than money and, well, you know how that turned out. I'm told it's wicked painful."

"It is."

Now Faith pouted. "Only it doesn't seem to have worked out quite the way I intended. You're looking good, B. You shouldn't, but you are. What happened?"

"It didn't quite work out the way you intended," Buffy said, aware of Giles moving to stand just behind her. "He died and it was painful. But he's still here, watching over me, so how can I let go?"

"He's here...no way! He's dead, B. A stiff. Pushing up the daisies." Faith began to shake. "I killed him! I got my revenge! He's as dead as a dodo."

"I guess someone should look into the dodos then. Because he isn't as dead as you hoped."

Faith began to look desperate. "No! He's dead - I saw it! I saw him die!"

Buffy smiled cruelly. "Ever hear of ghosts? He's right here, with me, and your perfect revenge backfired on you."

"No!"

Before Buffy could react, Faith lunged at her and the breath was knocked out of her. She felt a dull pain, as though someone had punched her in the chest and she looked at the other Slayer dazedly.

"What have you done?" she asked quietly.

Faith could only stare at her, horror turning her face pale and widening her eyes. Buffy looked down and saw with shock that there was a knife hilt sticking out of her chest.

"W-what have you...done?" Buffy asked, the words coming painfully as her legs gave way beneath her.

"B?"

Buffy hit the floor and smiled up at Giles' concerned face. "It's ok. I'm with you now."

The world went black.

***

Slowly the blackness faded to grey.

"Buffy?"

The voice was familiar but she did not want to wake up. The greyness was a safe, warm place and nothing could harm her there.

"Buffy? Love, can you hear me?"

Slowly the greyness faded and the blonde Slayer woke up. She was surprised that there was no pain even though she was awake. Cautiously she opened her eyes to see Giles' face mere inches from hers. As soon as their eyes met, the frightened look melted from his face and he pulled into a tight embrace. She could feel his warm arms around her, tight and strong, and after a moment of stunned disbelief she hugged him back. They clung together for long minutes and Buffy felt warm tears running down her face as she half-laughed, half-sobbed. Pulling back, she looked into his face and was surprised to see tears in his green eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked. "We're together again. Am I dead?"

"Not quite," a strange voice said from behind her.

Giles stood and offered his hand to her. She took it and he pulled her up into his arms, determined that now he could hold her, he was not going to let go. Looking around, Buffy realised that instead of being in Giles' apartment she was standing in the middle of a plush office. The green carpet was covered with gold fleur-de-lis and the warm light from a fire in the hearth was reflected from the dark panelling on the walls. A desk with a worn leather chair behind it stood nest to her and the reading lamps on it had green covers with gold edging, matching the motif of the carpet. For some reason the sight of those familiar lamps reminded her of the library that now lay in ruins back in Sunnydale.

"Who are you?" Buffy asked. "No, wait, I know that. You're Barnabus, aren't you?"

"The one and only," Barnabus said, a huge grin splitting his round face. "And you're Buffy. I can see why ya broke all the rules for this one."

Giles smiled and nodded but said nothing.

"Where am I?" Buffy asked slowly. "If I'm not dead then I must be alive, but that's impossible. You see, I have this really clear memory of being stabbed."

"And they're operatin' on ya now," the balding mentor said, sitting down behind his desk. "But you've got something you've got to do first."

"What do I have to do?"

"Choose."

Buffy shook her head and peered at him, puzzled. "Choose?"

Barnabus picked up and a pen and leant back in his chair. "The Powers That Be feel that ya have done enough for the world that  **you**  can make the choice rather than Fate. But choose wisely; once you've chosen ya, can't go back. Yer choice is final."

Buffy turned in Giles' arms to face the peculiar little man. He gently wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back to his chest, bolstering her with his love and warmth.

For a moment Barnabus fiddled with his pen and then he look back at the couple. "Down there, the docs are tryin' to repair yer heart. That knife made a hole in it and it's touch and go right now. Therein lies yer choice."

"It does?"

"Yer the first person to get this choice. Ya get to chose whether ya live or whether ya die."

Buffy froze with shock and gaped at the short, tubby man. "H-how can I make that kind of choice?"

"Easy. Ya can decide to live, protect humanity from the horrors of the Hellmouth and the evil that ya can't even begin to comprehend."

"Or?"

"Or, ya can go onto yer reward with yer man there."

Buffy felt Giles tighten his arms around her and she rested her head against his shoulder. "If I go on, what will happen to my friends? My family? The world?"

Barnabus shrugged. "Another Slayer will be called." His face grew melancholy. "Of course, she won't have yer training or experience. Yer almost the older Slayer on record and that gives ya an edge; combat experience. She'll do her best..."

"But she won't be good enough."

"What's coming is bigger that anything ya've ever faced before."

"And if I stay, Giles can't come with me?"

It was closer to a statement than question and Barnabus simply nodded sadly.

Buffy turned and met Giles' eyes. "I have to choose between eternity with you or years of pain and suffering. How can I?"

"Love..." he trailed off, his words becoming choked so instead he trailed a finger down her cheek.

"Choose," Barnabus demanded.

Giles gently cupped her cheek and Buffy leaned into his hand, closing her eyes. It would be so easy to say 'stuff the world, I've done enough' but it would never be that simple. She felt his thumb softly stroking her temple and she almost sighed at the injustice of the world.

Opening her eyes she looked deeply into the pools of green so close to her.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I know."

"Do you?" she asked, feeling a hot tear slowly trickle down her face. "I love you so much. I've never loved anyone like this and I'll never feel this way again."

She put a hand on his shoulder and slowly pulled herself up onto her toes so that her face was close to his.

"I'll never get to do this again, so I'm going to now while I have the chance," she breathed.

And then she kissed him.

In the kiss she tried to express all the love she felt and all the pain she felt at the thought of being separated. He returned the kiss with equal fervour, trying to taste every inch of her lips while he could and imprint the memory of it on his mind forever. Eventually they pulled back and locked gazes, tears now bright in both their eyes.

"I'll wait for you," he said brokenly. "As long as it takes, I'll always be here. Waiting."

"I'll try to get here as soon as I can," she replied, her voice muffled with tears.

"No, love, I want you to live and love as much as you can."

"I can't without you."

"You can. I'll be here for you at the end. Don't be afraid to find someone else."

"No one could ever replace you." She traced his mouth with the tip of her finger. "I could never love anyone like this again."

He rested his forehead against hers, breathing in her scent for the last time and then planted a last, tender kiss on her lips.

"Good bye, love," he whispered.

Buffy did not reply, instead turning to face Barnabus with a look of intense determination. "I'm really. Send me back."

"Are ya sure?" the tubby man asked. "I can't undo this if ya want to come back."

"I'm sure. I have a duty and if I abandon it I won't deserve his love," she replied, lifting Giles' hand and kissing it. "Send me back."

Barnabus looked at Giles and smiled. "I knew there was a reason ya loved this one. She's quite somethin', huh?"

Giles nodded. "She's...Buffy."

The shorter man nodded and stood. Walking to the fireplace he raised his hand and made a 'lifting' gesture. In response, the crackling flames widened and rose until they were taller and wider than a man. Abruptly they froze to form an unwavering sheet of golden light and Barnabus turned to Buffy.

"Walk through there. That's the doorway."

Buffy nodded and turned to Giles.

"I'll be waiting," he simply said.

"I'm counting on it," she said and kissed his hand one last time.

Then she turned and, without a backward glance, walked through the fire.

***

Giles stared into the fire until his eyes were tearing and the after-image burnt brightly when he blinked. Even then he kept staring, half-hoping there had been a mistake and she would walk back through the fire and into his arms. Eventually the motionless sheet of flame wavered and began to flicker again, slowly dying down until it became an ordinary fire in an ordinary heath. Or at least, as ordinary as anything in that office could be. He closed his eyes and took a deep, shuddering breath before turning to face Barnabus. The short man's eyes widened and he paled slightly.

"Ya sacrifice - both yer sacrifices - have been noted," Barnabus said quietly. "It'll be rewarded in time."

"Where am I going now?" Giles asked, his voice betraying none of the pain her felt.

The tubby man shook his head. "I don't know yet."

"Then find out. I can't...I can't stay here...without her."

Barnabus nodded and returned to his desk. "She's braver than I thought she would be. Her duty lies heavily on those young shoulders."

"Yes. Yes, it does. But she'll survive," Giles said, his voice shaking slightly. "Now, where am I going?"

Barnabus looked thoughtful for a moment and picked up a telephone that Giles was sure had never been on his desk before. "Wait outside. I have to talk to someone."

A door opened in the wall and through it Giles could see the waiting room he had first arrived in. He looked back and Barnabus made a 'shooing' gesture. Sighing, the former Watcher walked to the door and stepped through the hazy looking portal. On the other side the room had not changed since he was first there. Doreen still sat reading a magazine at her desk, complete with blue rinsed hair and polyester suit. The people in the chairs were different but they all wore the same expression of hollow despair and flicked through the blank magazines. Giles walked over the desk and waited expectantly.

"Name," Doreen said in a bored voice, not raising her eyes from her magazine.

"Rupert Giles," he replied. "Barnabus told me to wait out here."

A momentary flicker of surprise crossed the older woman's face but it was quickly replaced with the usual expression of bored disinterest.

"Wait over there," she said, gesturing vaguely to the chairs. "I'll call you when it's your turn."

Giles took a seat and leant back, closing his eyes. His mind replayed his final few minutes with Buffy and he found himself swallowing back tears again.

***

As if from far, far away Buffy could here a persistent beeping sound. It echoed through her aching head and would not go away. She vaguely tried to reach out and turn it off but her arm felt too heavy. Slowly she became aware that there were other sounds around, the low hum of machinery, a slight buzz of conversation far away, the click of shoes on linoleum and the quiet sound of two humans breathing.

Gradually, as that awareness took hold, she became aware of more pressing issues. There was a burning pain running down her chest, her throat felt raw and sore and she could feel at least two I.V.'s in her arms, one the bad of each hand. She flexed the muscles of her arm experimentally and found another one in the crook of her left arm. There was a mask over her face and she could hear the faint hiss of an oxygen tank. The Slayer shifted slightly and let out a low groan as the movement sent a wave of pain through her, radiating from her chest.

Immediately she heard a chair scrape back and her eyes fluttered open to see Xander and Willow peering over her.

"Buff?" Willow asked quietly.

"Yeah," she croaked and winced as the effort tore against her sore throat.

"I'll go and get a doctor," Xander said quickly.

Buffy closed her eyes briefly and then looked at Willow. "What happened?"

"Ssh, don't try to talk," Willow said and picked up a glass from a cabinet next to the bed. A straw poked out of it and she held it to the Slayer's lips.

Buffy took a few sips and sighed as the cool water soothed her irritated throat. As she rested her head back against the pillows a door opened and she heard some approach the bed.

"Miss Summers?" a pleasant, female voice asked. "How are you feeling?"

Buffy smiled wanly. "Awful."

"Well, that's better than I expected," the doctor said with a gentle smile. "You have an amazing constitution. I didn't think you'd make it for a while."

"Buffy's special," Xander said proudly.

"That she is." The picked up a chart and made a notation. "I'm Doctor Lewis and I assisted on your surgery."

"Hi," Buffy said, her voice still croaky. "What happened?"

"Well, the knife made a hole in your heart so we had to operate to fix it. That's why you have a large incision in your chest that's probably pretty painful right now. We put you on bypass for the operation and you received several transfusions, which is why there are so many needles in your arms. You had a tube down your throat to help you breathe so your throat is probably quite sore right now." Doctor Lewis smiled. "But you're a lucky girl. You're going to be fine."

Buffy had a brief flash of Faith pushing the knife through her heart and grimaced. "Thank you."

Lewis looked at the two teenagers who had spent the entire night sitting with their friend. "You can stay for a few more minutes and then you need to let Miss Summers get some rest. She'll still be here later."

Xander and Willow nodded and saluted.

"We'll get going in a minute," Xander assured her. "We just wanted to make sure she was ok."

Lewis smiled at them. "That's very good of you. When did you say her mother would be here?"

Xander frowned. "Tomorrow...sometime. She couldn't get a flight."

Lewis nodded and left. Xander and Willow pulled up chairs on either side of the bed and sat down, each holding one of their pale friend's hands.

"What happened?" Buffy asked.

"We told the police you were mugged," Willow began. "I don't think they'd believe that you were stabbed by a vampire."

"Vampire?" Buffy asked, surprised. "Are you sure?"

"We saw it," Xander confirmed. "I staked the bastard myself."

Buffy looked baffled.

"You don't remember?" Willow asked and sighed as Buffy nodded. "What can you remember?"

"I'm not sure. What day is it?"

Willow told her and Buffy nodded, surprised to find that she had only been out for twelve hours.

"And you're sure you saw the vampire stab me?" she asked.

Xander frowned worriedly. "We were patrolling with you, so yeah. Ever since Riley left-"

"Riley's gone?"

"Yeah. He went home after we killed Adam-"

"What?" Buffy asked, incredulous. None of this was anything like the world she remembered.

Willow stroked her hand, trying to calm her. "How much can you remember? You could have amnesia. You know you're the Slayer, right?"

"Of course I'm the Slayer."

"Good. 'Cause that would have been bad."

Buffy closed her eyes and tried to order her thoughts. She could remember everything so clearly, Giles' death and return, the exams, Faith, Barnabus, but somehow events seemed to have happened that should not have.

"I-I remember things but...it's clouded. Maybe you guys could help me?"

The two teenagers nodded slowly.

"Ok, can you remember Faith coming out of the coma?"

Willow nodded. "You switched bodies and we had to switch you back. Then you and Riley had that falling out thing and nearly split up. And then there was that weird Jonathon-verse and he got you guys back together-"

"Jonathon-verse? What's one of those?"

Xander and Willow exchanged glances but it was the witch who spoke. "Jonathan made us all think he was this great movie star, and writer, and musician, and superhero - the biggest 'Mary Sue' complex ever."

Buffy looked blank.

"Don't you remember it? Or that weird haunted house thing, which was not fun by the way? Or-or killing Adam?"

The Slayer shook her head at each event and Xander winced. "This is not good. Can you remember anything?"

Buffy thought for a moment, weighing up the odds and possible reactions. Something had happened to change recent history radically and she did not know whether it was a good change or a bad one. She decided to play safe until she could work out what had happened. For a moment, tears threatened to well up as waves of Giles miss-age washed over her, but she firmly swallowed them down.,

"It's all...hazy. I feel like I should remember it but I can't. What happened to Faith?"

"She turned herself in," Willow said. "She's in custody waiting for a trial. Angel is helping her."

"Good."

Buffy felt her eyes begin to close again and Willow gestured to Xander.

"We'd better get going. We'll be back soon," she said, walking to the door.

There was no response and she looked back to see Buffy sleeping peacefully.

***

Giles felt as though he had been sitting in the waiting room forever. The silence was frustrating, and the endless succession of hopeless people was monotonous. As he sat in his chair, his mind went into a half-trance and, not matter how hard he tried to steer it elsewhere, he always came back to the same thing. Buffy. Her scent, her warmth, the soft flesh of her cheek, her expressive, beautiful eyes, and, inevitably, the pain in them when he last saw her. It was a pain that was mirrored by his own heart and he found himself unable to forget it.

Eventually a low buzz sounded from the desk and Doreen looked up. "Rupert Giles. He's ready."

Giles sighed and stood. The walk to the door seemed like the longest he had ever endured, although it was only a few paces away from his chair.

In the office, nothing had changed from the last time he was there. The fire still crackled merrily in the hearth, the reading lamps still reflected warmly from the dark panelling and Barnabus still sat behind his desk. Unusually, he had a reflective, almost pensive, expression and there was none of his usual exuberance when he spoke.

"I talked to The Powers That Be," he said without preamble. "It took a bit of persuasion, but I've managed to get ya a new assignment."

The former Watcher nodded. "Where am I going?"

"I'll take ya," Barnabus said and stood abruptly.

"You will?"

"It's something in the nature of bein' a special assignment," the shorter man explained. "I'll need to tell ya some things when we get there. I don't want ya mucking this up. I put too much work into sortin' it."

The tubby man walked around his desk and approached the fire in the hearth. He gestured to it and, rather than spreading out as it had earlier, the fire seemed to burn brighter. The heat from it increased until Giles, standing several feet away, felt sweat bead on his forehead. As it intensified the fire changed from a merry yellow colour, lightening until it became pure white. Only then did it grow and spread, although it took a shape rather than becoming the sheet of living flame it was a few hours ago. Tendrils of white flame shot upwards, tentatively at first and then more frequently, eventually meshing to form an archway of brilliant white light. The heat was incredible and Giles was amazed that Barnabus, standing so close, was not burnt.

The short, balding man looked at the archway critically for a few moments and then he made a cutting gesture. Abruptly, the heat ceased and was replace by icy coldness. The archway framed a portal leading into darkness so complete that it was almost a living thing and Giles felt almost as though it was pulling him, trying to suck him in.

Barnabus turned to face him. "Ya have to follow me. This ain't gonna be pleasant but it's necessary for yer task. No matter what happens, keep following me. Stray from the path and yer history."

Giles nodded his understanding and Barnabus turned without saying anything more. For a brief moment the little man seemed to hesitate, but then he took a deep breath and walked through the portal. As if drawn by a magnet, Giles approached the dark opening. He could feel something tugging him into it despite the cold that was so intense it almost burned. He put one hand out to touch the flaming archway but at the last moment drew it back. Shutting his eyes, he walked forwards.

***

Shards of burning ice pierced his skin and he cried out in pain. At once, he felt both broken and remade, pain so intense he burned with it and ecstasy so great he wanted to die. Nothing existed outside the sensations. The pain had no beginning and no end; it simply was.

As suddenly as it began, it ended and Giles landed painfully on the floor. He lay for a moment, his eyes closed and gulping in soothing air. Eventually, he recovered enough to cautiously open his eyes and sit up. It was with some surprise that he realised he was sitting in his own living room. Confused, he looked around to see Barnabus standing a few feet away, straightening his jacket.

"Why am I here?" Giles asked.

Barnabus turned to him. "It's yer assignment."

Giles carefully stood and shook his head to clear it. "Pardon? How can my assignment be here?"

Barnabus' face split into an enormous grin. "Easy. I did some fast talking with TPTB and here ya are."

"But why? I thought...I mean Buffy...what...could you explain?"

The tubby man sat down on the couch and gestured to Giles to join him. "It's simple. I talked to The Powers That Be - and believe me, that ain't a conversation I want to repeat - and they agreed with me. Ya weren't meant to die when ya did and ya both made an incredible sacrifice for the world. So, yer being rewarded."

"Rewarded?"

"It's sort of an early reward," Barnabus continued. "Originally, ya were meant to die at the same time and go onto yer reward together. And yer reward was gonna to be eternity together. But as ya know, that all went up the creek when yer other Slayer decided to kill ya. It wasn't meant to happen so ya were spit out into limbo, unable to go anywhere."

Giles nodded. "That doesn't explain why I'm here though."

Hold on, I'm getting there." Barnabus paused. "Don't suppose ya'd have some tea around here?"

The murderous glance Giles gave him was enough to persuade him to continue.

"TPTB have decided to start yer reward early, you and Buffy both. As ya were supposed to be together, that's yer reward."

Giles listened with increasing hope as Barnabus elaborated. "Buffy's sacrifice has been rewarded. Faith never met the magician so ya were never killed. The timeline's been restored to how it shoulda been. There's gonna be bad stuff, heartache and pain, but yer gonna be together."

"Then I'm...?"

"Alive? Yeah. Yer alive and ya can be with Buffy. Welcome to yer reward."

For a moment the words refused to penetrate Giles' stunned mind. Gradually they seeped through and he could think again. With some bemusement he realised the Barnabus was right. He could feel the sofa beneath him, he was breathing air and he could feel his heat beating. He was alive.

"Congratulations," Barnabus said, smiling. "Yer the first person TPTB have ever returned from the dead. Ya must have done good to deserve it."

"Th-thank you," he stuttered. "Where's Buffy?"

Barnabus frowned briefly before smiling again. "Her stabbing was destined. It was only her attacker that was up for debate. She's in the hospital."

Giles stood and walked to the door quickly. He half-opened it, but a thought occurred to him and he turned back. "Can she remember?"

"Yes. She doesn't remember what happened in the new timeline but she does remember everything that ya went through before. If ya think carefully, though, the memories of the new timeline are in yer mind. Use 'em carefully."

The former Watcher nodded his understanding and walked out.

***

Buffy lay in her hospital bed, propped up with several pillows. The monitors around her beeped continuously and one hand was still attached to a drip. Considering that a few hours ago she had nearly died from a stab-wound to the heart, she was looking very well. She was pale but a nurse had brushed her golden hair for her and washed her face so she no longer felt like a creature from the deep. However, there was a listless depression about her that was utterly unlike her usual cheerful brightness and anyone who knew her would immediately pick up on it. The reason for that was easy to find; she missed Giles.

It was like a deep pain, lancing through her heart each time she took a breath. And the worst part was that the pain would never go. She would never see him again and she was alone. Unnoticed, a hot tear slid down her cheek.

A knock at the door drew her out of her spiralling depression and she forced herself smile as the door opened.

Willow stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She looked at her pale friend, and the tear streaks on her cheeks, and immediately rushed over to take her hand.

"Buff? What's wrong?" she asked, concerned. "Are you in pain?"

"No, nothing that drugs can cure," Buffy said wanly. "Just feeling sorry for myself I guess."

"I suppose that's natural. You've never been stabbed before." Willow smiled at her.

Buffy's answering smile was weak. "Yeah. I miss moving around, I miss home, and most of all I miss Giles."

"His timing sure does suck," Willow agreed. "You've been stabbed and he's not here to pace and worry about it."

"I doubt he could help it. It's not like he can just get on a plane and come back to see me."

The redheaded witch's expression changed from one of gentle concern to complete outrage. "Of course he could! If he'd left a contact address or a telephone number he could be on the next plane here, no problem."

Buffy frowned. "Will, I don't think they have aeroplanes there. Or telephones for that matter."

Willow cocked her head. "In England? I know they're sometimes behind on technology, but I think they have telephones."

For a moment Buffy was too shocked to respond. She kept replaying her last moment with Giles, the tender kiss and the pain of separation, and trying to reconcile it with Willow's words.

"E-England?" Buffy said slowly. "He's in England?"

"Well, yeah. Unless he told you something else. He went to England last week, just after Riley left. You said he had to sort some things out. You don't remember, do you?"

"I-I don't know. I have...different...memories about it. He's really in England?"

Willow nodded. "Yeah. Why? Did you need something from him?"

A knock interrupted her and Willow walked over to the door, pulling it open and peeking through the crack. She gave a little squeak and opened it wide, pulling someone inside.

"Speak of the devil," she announced.

Giles allowed himself to be tugged into the room, his eyes too busy drinking in the welcome sight of Buffy to pay attention to anything else. She looked pale, there were monitors beeping around her and drips attached to her arms, but the brilliant smile that was slowly spreading across her face was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

"Hi," she whispered, so quietly that only someone who was straining every fibre in his body could hear it.

However, nothing about her could escape Giles' attention and he heard. The sound passed through him like a wave of joy and he finally believed.

"Hi," he said quietly. "I came as soon...as soon as I could."

Buffy smiled faintly, but this time the smile was one filled with happiness rather than pain. "I know."

Willow stood between them, wringing her hands and looking from one face to the other. Buffy and Giles said nothing, content for now just to look, but the redhead felt like a trespasser on something precious and private.

"I'll just, uh, leave now...shall I? O-Ok, I'll go. This is me going. Bye!" She looked back at them but they did not appear to have heard her. As she walked through the door she quietly muttered, "There's definitely something going on that I don't know about. Uh-huh, that's definitely not the normal Slayer/Watcher stuff. They'll tell me, won't they?"

In the hospital room Buffy and Giles had not moved at all, and had in fact forgotten that Willow was even there. Neither of them could believe that they were there and they were half afraid that if they moved it would all fade away and they would wake up alone again. Buffy was the first to move and all she did was shift slightly on her pillows, wincing as the movement pulled at her stitches. Immediately Giles was at her side.

"Buffy? Are you all right?" he asked, hesitantly putting out a hand.

"Yeah, just stiff," she replied. "I'm fine."

He stayed as he was, hand awkwardly outstretched, and she looked at him curiously.

"Are you going to sit down?" she asked.

"I'm afraid to," he confessed. "You might disappear again."

"Not going to happen," Buffy reassured him.

To prove her point she reached out and took his hand, a soft smile appearing as she felt the warm flesh beneath her fingers.

"God, that feels so good," she breathed.

Tugging gently, she pulled him down to sit on the bed next to her, smiling as she felt the warmth from his body against her leg.

"I've missed you," she said, smiling. "I can't believe you're here. What happened? How...why...is this real?"

Giles turned her hand over and began lightly tracing her palm with the tip of a finger, caressing her wrist with his other hand. He lifted it to his hand and placed a kiss in the centre of her palm, smiling as she closed her eyes, and then gently kissed each delicate finger in turn.

"Does that feel real?" he asked.

"Yeah," she breathed. "But...how?"

He enclosed her small hand in his larger ones, needing to keep that contact as he spoke. "We're being rewarded. Barnabus persuaded The Powers That Be that our reward should start early. Originally, if Faith hadn't killed me, we were going to die together and then go on to eternity together."

"But Faith stopped that."

He nodded. "Faith's interference changed that. I died before my time and we were separated. There was nowhere for me to go because you weren't with me to go there. So I went back to you to save your life."

"But if you'd stayed away, I would have died and we could have been together. Why did you come back?"

"I didn't know that we were supposed to be together," he explained. "I didn't want you to die when you didn't need to. The world would have suffered and I couldn't live with that."

"But how are you here now? You're alive, but you shouldn't be. And everything's changed." Buffy smiled self-deprecatingly. "I don't understand, which I admit isn't strange but still..."

"Our sacrifice has been rewarded. The Powers That Be agreed to allow us to start our reward here, before we die, so they had to change a few things. Faith never met the magician who killed me so I didn't die. All the changes you see are the result of that change."

"Faith turned herself in, you know," Buffy said. "She's trying to make amends for what she did."

"Your choice didn't just save me, love, it saved other people too."

"Adam's dead and Riley's gone."

"I know."

Buffy looked at him curiously. "How?"

"Barnabus gave me the memories of what happened in this timeline. He thought they might be useful in the future."

"Oh." The Slayer looked down at the hands resting lightly on her stomach. "Do you still...are...I still love you. Nothing's changed. Do you...?"

"I could never stop loving you," he reassured her, lifting her hand to his lips again. "I meant what I said before, every word. I love you and I'll always be here for you. I couldn't leave you if I tried."

"This is destiny."

"In a sense, I suppose it is. But it's a destiny I don't want to deny."

Buffy smiled up at him. "That's good, because I couldn't go on without you now. Nothing's ever going to take me away from you - I won't let it - so you're stuck with me. We've been through too much, and it hurt too much last time for me to ever let you go. Promise me you'll never leave?"

The question hung in the air between them and Buffy knew that if he promised he would never break that. Promises meant too much to this man to break one, especially one this important. Giles looked deep into her eyes and reached out to stroke her cheek. Her eyelids fluttered close as she leaned into his caress and then opened again to fix him with their beautiful blue gaze. Nothing was hidden in that look; he could see her love, her trust in him, the pain she had been through and the hope she held for the future. But it was the love in them that shone through everything else, love tinged with passion, and that was something he could never deny her.

"Are you sure you know what you're asking?" he asked slowly, needing to hear the words from her.

For a moment she was silent, looking down at their joined hands, and then she looked back at him with determination shining from her face. "Yes. I'm asking you to be with me forever. I suppose...I think I'm asking you to marry me. That's about as forever as you can get, right? And it's what I want. I never want to lose you. I want to wake up next to you each morning and go to sleep each night in your arms. I want to share in your life and make love to you. I never want to be apart from you. You're a part of me, maybe the most important part, and marriage makes us two halves of one thing. That's what I want. That's what I'm asking for."

Giles kept his eyes locked with hers as he answered her. "Then I promise. I will never leave you and I'll always be here. Always. And as soon as your mother has stopped trying to kill me, I'll marry you. I...I never thought I could ever ask that of you."

"You didn't have to. I did. And I'm the Slayer - I'll protect you from mom."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "Love, you were stabbed a few hours ago. Even with Slayer healing, you won't be fighting battles for a while."

"You'll have to fight them for me then, for a while."

He leaned over and planted a soft kiss on her lips. "I'll fight them with you, love, always."

"I'm counting on that 'always'."

Carefully, trying not to jolt her, he hugged her to him and kissed her again. This time her arms wrapped around his neck and held him to her. Softly, Giles laid her back against her pillows and placed another kiss on her trembling lips.

"I never thought I'd see you again, love, so I'm never letting you go again."

She smiled at him. "We'll hold onto each other."

"Forever."


End file.
